Dude and Dude: Balms Away

“What’cha got there, dude?”

“Nice cuppa tea, dude. Want some?”

“Yeah maybe. Smells kinda weird, yeah? A’most like ya tried ta put some lemon innit but didn’t have enuff. An’ tha rest a it smells kinda, like, weedy. But not ’nuffa that either. Like ya wuz tryin’ ta get by wit’ twigs an’ seeds, an’ why would ya bother?

“Not that kinda weed, dude. Though it is saposed ta be relaxin’. It’s lemon balm. This, like, chick turned me on ta it.”

“Uh huh. Got yer hopes up, did she?”

“Um …”

“Yeah, watch yerself, dude. Tryin’ weird things on ‘count a a chick is usu’ly a big warnin’ a trouble. Lemme guess, she’s one a these nature types.”

“Kinda sorta. She ain’t big on, like, chemicals, that’s fer sure. ‘What’s this lemon balm got in it?’ ‘Leaves’, she sez. ‘Nice an’ natural. Grown in a food coop garden, ain’t been sprayed on, ain’t been GMOed, nothin’. Ain’t never goin’ ta do ya no harm’, she sez.”

“‘Ain’t neva gonna do ya no harm, she sez.’ Yeauh huh. So how come it’s got harmine innit?”

“What the fmmmmfmmmmffmffpah!”

“Keep it clean, dude.”

“That mean I c’n wipe yer hands on yer shirt? While yer tellin’ me how much harm this harmine does?!?”

“Damned if’n know, dude. But it don’t sound like nothin’ I’d be drinkin’!”

“What else this balm stuff got? An’ do I wanna know?

“Kinda depends on what that chick’s worth ta ya, yeah? Lessee … ‘lemon balm chemicals wiki‘. Hm. Couple things on here. Citronellal. 1-octene-3-ol. 10-alpha-cadinol. 3-octanone, alpha-cubebene, alpha-humulene, beta-bourbonene …”

“Lemon balm’s got Jim Beam innit?!?”

“… gamma cadinene – that an’ tha cadinol oughta turn yer girl right off, savin’ ya some grief – geranial, geraniol, geranyl acetate, germacrene D …”

“Dude …”

” … methylheptenone, neral, nerol, octyl benzoate, oleanoic acid, pomolic acid …”

Dude …!

“… rosmarinic acid, stachyose, succinic acid, thymol …”

Dammit, dude, ya c’n stop now!!”

“But I ain’t even got through half tha list yet! Hey, here’s a cool one. Linalool. That’s tha one tha pest control dudes use ta kill cockroaches!

“OK, OK, OK!!! I’ve dumped tha tea down tha sink an’ tha leaves in tha trash! Can I roll a joint now ta settle tha nerves ya had tha nerve ta jangle?

“Ya sure ya wanna do that?”

“Damn right I do!”

“Even afta I tell ya that they’s at least 33 chemicals in ganga smoke known to tha state a California ta cause cancer?”

“Bu .. bu .. bu .. bu .. bu .. bu .. bu …”

Chill, dude. Yer still here, yeah?”

“I ain’t so sure no more, dude.”

“Well, ya are, so’m I. What’s that tell ya?”

“That tha chemicals in tha world ain’t killed us yet?”

“Yeah. An’ tha world is full a chemicals. An’ if’n yer gonna start pickin‘ on peeps on ‘count a tha chemicals they’re messin’ wit’, ya better first be sure ya got some kinda clue what yer talkin‘ about, huh? Like that chick a yers.”

What chick?”

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2 Responses to Dude and Dude: Balms Away

  1. Quilly says:

    All natural products are safe and healthy! You know, like arsenic, cyanide, and ricin. Right?

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