Amoeba’s Lorica: Hawaii Island Tourist Warning

HILO, HAWAI‘I (API*): Urgent public safety notification issued this date by Hawai‘i County Civil Defense.

HAWAI‘I ISLAND COVID-19 STATUS AND TRAVEL ADVISORY

We’re doing OK here on Hawai‘i Island right now with COVID cases, but we watch in horror as the rest of the country spikes, including our neighbor island O‘ahu, and wonder how long it will be before COVID resurges here as well.

Persons planning on visiting Hawai‘i Island need to know that the 14-day mandatory quarantine for all arrivals in the State of Hawai‘i is still in place, and has been extended indefinitely. Prospective visitors should also be aware of these additional circumstances, which apply island-wide.

LITTLE FIRE ANTS have taken the opportunity provided by the COVID-19 shutdown to invade lodgings throughout the state, including hotels, resorts, and AirBnB locations. The massive scale of the invasion has made eradication, and even mitigation, efforts ineffective.

COQUI FROGS are present in high density everywhere, and the volume of their peeping exceeds 100 decibels throughout the night in most locations. Any persons able to sleep through this racket are awakened, frequently and at irregular intervals, by the shrieks of the PUEO, which have also massively multiplied. ROOSTERS and FRANCOLIN QUAIL assure that all remaining sleepers are out of bed an hour before dawn, which is between 5 and 6AM year round in our state.

CENTIPEDES are abundant in all homes, and in public places both indoors and outdoors. Individuals more than three feet long have been observed. In the more heavily infested areas, infants and toddlers have been disappearing from cradles and cribs.

The mystery of flying HEAD and BODY LICE has been solved by University of Hawai‘i at Hilo research demonstrating hybridization of the lice with MOSQUITOES, thus exposing Hawai‘i Island residents to a much greater risk of TYPHUS as well as YELLOW FEVER, MALARIA, and DENGUE FEVER.

Out on the water, BILLFISH have been storming tour boats, serving notices of criminal trespass and presenting their operators with past-due bills for the incurred fines. The action has driven several boat owners into bankruptcy, while others, thrown overboard, have been eaten by SHARKS attracted to the commotion.

We are aware that a number of tourist operations, concerned for the safety of their bank accounts, have been lobbying against travel restrictions and minimizing the risk to vacationers of flocking to our island. Their messages are fake news. We advise you, for your own self-care and the care of your loved ones, to stay home, wherever home is, where it is safe, or at least you are familiar with the hazards that you face. DO NOT COME TO HAWAI‘I.

Thank you for your attention. This is your Hawai‘i County Civil Defense.

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*  API = Amoeba Press International. All the News That’s Fit To Fake Print.

Posted in Amoeba's Lorica, current events, humor, satire, travel | Tagged , , , , , | 5 Comments

Amoeba’s Lorica: Rage Against the Caterpillars

PEONIA, ILLINOIS (API*): At a Zoom press conference today, hosted by University of Illinois Extension, representatives from the Milkweed Promotion and anti-HAte Team (MilkPHAT) described a pest plague that is devastating milkweeds, and decried the lack of human intervention against it.

“‘Caterpillars are everywhere?’ Of course they are!” exclaimed MilkPHAT speaker Asclepias Wellman. “And do we do anything to control the plague? Hell no! We use our schools as breeding grounds for it! And our membership is hurting, big time. Have you seen how a milkweed looks after the butterfly spawn have finished with it? How can you stand unmoved while one of our oxygen-producing plant allies is crippled or perhaps even put to death by these menacing insects!

“Look”, he continued. “Imagine that the caterpillars are COVID-19, and the milkweeds are us. We’d be blitzing those bugs to the max, putting the plants in glasshouse quarantine and wiping everything in sight down with insecticide. Instead, we coddle the damned pests! We don’t even have the kids wearing masks around them!  How hopelessly irresponsible is that? What are we teaching our children?!?”

An elementary school teacher attempted to respond. Wellman cut her off, saying “I will have no truck with those who willfully sponsor plague foci. Yes, the caterpillars are something other than the run-0f-the-mill brown. That should target them for attack! Instead, we squeal ‘Oh, how pretty!‘ And the butterflies they spit out are large, and striking, and they conduct world tours. ‘How wonderful!’ How miserable!! No wonder we call them ‘monarchs‘. They rule our minds, against all sense. I thought the so-called democracy we claim to live in banned royalty?

“What do these stinking arthropods do for people, anyway? Provide entertainment? Distraction? Have we ever gotten anything useful out of them? Like insulation, or packing material, or folk medicines, or hunting aids? Or, as I mentioned already, oxygen? All of which come from milkweeds?

“MilkPHAT”, Wellman concluded, “is dedicated to the principle that milkweeds are no less entitled to protection against insect pests than are maize, tomatoes, broccoli, or any other valuable plant species infested with caterpillars. We are committed to the extermination of all threats to our membership. This is our mission, and we will carry it out.”

Wellman did not respond to questions.

(* API = Amoeba Press International. All the News That’s Fit To Fake Print.)

Posted in Amoeba's Lorica, ecology, education, humor, satire, We the People | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Amoeba’s Lorica: Meme-ories 31 (Competency Party Candidate)

Kris:Seriously, Murphy?”

Murphy: “Seriously. Trump and the Repugnicans are vile and corrupt. Biden and the Dimicrats may be less vile, but they’re no less corrupt. And their coalition will fly apart the second each of its constituent identity groups realizes that it isn’t going to be the one that runs the show for its own benefit and hind tit for all the others. Just like Trudeau up north, and Biden doesn’t have Canadians to work with. You really want a repeat of Obama’s first term, when the Repugnicans charged back from Dubya’s disgrace, which should have put them out of action for a generation, and showed that theirs is the only unified group of any size in the country?”

Kris: “The only unified group in the country is a pack of brain-dead racists?!?”

Murphy: “Which we wor$hiped like the coming of the Lord’s Messiah until COVID-19 came along. I am sick of lurching between two idiot extremes. Let’s have somebody who will remind us what this ‘personal liberty’ crap has earned us, who will get each of us to work, first and foremost, for the good of all. Or sit down and shut up.”

Kris: “You mean, like he just did in Hong Kong?”

Murphy: “Did it work, or didn’t it?”

Posted in Amoeba's Lorica, Kris an' Murphy, Meme-ories, politics, satire, We the People | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments