Amoeba’s Lorica: One Fine Day Backstage

Overheard during rehearsals for an orchestral concert in Hawaiʻi Nei:


Female voice: “Anyone know the score?”

Male voice: “For which work? The Beethoven? The Mozart? The Sibelius?”

F: “The NFL! There’s a playoff game going on right now, and I want to know the score!”

M: “Yeah, I’ll give you the score. How many safeties are we going to kill today?”

F: “I beg your …”

M: “Not a chance. I don’t suppose you’ve ever heard of the white feather brigades.”

F: “No …”

White Feather - Downton AbbeyM: “Figures. The White Feather brigades were women who paraded through England during World War 1, handing out white feathers to young, apparently healthy men who had committed the sin of not yet having been machinegunned, or blown to bits by artillery, or drowned in the trenches of World War 1 as an alternative to dying of louse-borne typhus. Basically accusing these men of having a lick of sense – which, in your language, is spelled c-o-w-a-r-d-i-c-e.”

F: “What does this have to do …”

M: “Just this, woman. I look forward to the day when men wake up and refuse to be expendable for your entertainment!”

Stage Hand: “All orchestra members on stage for the Mozart concerto!”

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Screwtape The Third: Terms of Entry

“Studying hard, Wormsap?”

“Studying topside video archives, Master Screwtape. Hard is for the mining goblins, being trained to harvest adamant from the ice-bound lava flows. This training is for topside recruiters and contract sellers.”

“Got it. But, black and white?

“The archives are what they are, Master. The trainees will take in those elements from them that serve the missions of H.E.L.L., and ignore those that do not. They will understand that nothing in this example detracts from H.E.L.L.’s core precepts – in this case, that nothing is black-and-white. Or else.”

“Until Lucifer decrees otherwise.”

“Of course, sir. But that is covered in introductory indoctrination. Perfect instantaneous recall of all points made in Introductory is expected of all in H.E.L.L. at all times and under all circumstances, under penalty of daffodils, as you know. No need for me to repeat.”

“So what is it that’s so important about this video, that compels the mixed message?”

“Giving our trainees practice in handling complexity?”

“And …?”

“The video presents a man and his dog, who die in a hunting accident. While in Limbo, the two encounter two agents, both of whom purport to represent H.E.A.V.E.N. The pair reject the first agent, on the basis of mutual rejection of the dog and the agent, but accept the second, with whom the dog is happy. The second agent claims that the first agent represented H.E.L.L., because ‘not even the Devil can fool a dog’.

“The training session will direct the attention of the trainees to the claims made by the two agents about the nature of H.E.A.V.E.N., namely that it fulfills, unfettered, all the [ahem] confessable desires of its recruits. The claims are universal – and necessarily false, since there is no agency anywhere that can grant unlimited freedom to any being, without having that freedom clash with the unlimited freedom of any other being, resulting in the very chaos that is supposedly absent from H.E.A.V.E.N. As we both know, and Lucifer personally attests (frequently), the (ptui!) Adversary is no more able to pull this off than any other agency in the multiverse.”

“Hence, our rules and regulations, far more complex, uninterpretable, and imperative than any topside system. Because we will keep order, or else!

“Indeed, Master. The point, then, is that both of the agents in the video are ours. The strategy is to present multiple versions of the deceptions, so that those who reject one presentation are more ready to accept another, which addresses a criterion highlighted in the first presentation and is perceived to be ‘better’, because it plays to the fantasies of the recruit. The percentage of contracts obtained per topside decedent thereby increases, and H.E.L.L. gains.”

“Bad, Wormsap. Very bad.”

“Curse you, sir.”

HOOOOOWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!

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He and She: A Nice Hawaiian Shirt

She: “Honey?”

He: “Yes, m’love?”

She: “How’d you like a nice Hawaiian shirt?”

He: “Su … uuh, where are you going with this?”

She: “To my sewing room. Where did you think I was going with that? Don’t you like the shirts that I make for you??”

He: “I love them. So do the people who see me wearing them. Helps ease the shock and pain of having to look at me. But …”

She: What but? Careful how you answer that. What can you be worried about?”

He: “The punchline.”

She: “I will not have any cans of that line of punch in the house!”

He: “That’s a relief. So go ahead. Make me a … Go ahead and make a shirt for me.”

She: “Dang.”

He: “Swing and a miss. He lives for another round.”

She: “Lucky you. OK, one Hawaiian shirt coming right up. Except …”

He: “I told you I was worried about the punchline.”

She: “… I’m out of fabric.”

He:You are out of fabric?? Since when?

She: “There’ve been all those other shirts that I’ve been making for you since we’ve been in Hawaiʻi!”

He: “And nothing else you’ve got lining three walls of your sewing room will do?”

She: “It will not. These are shirts for you, letting all the pretty girls know that you’re mine. The material’s gotta be just right!

He: “You’ve got nothing here that’s good enough, then?”

She: “Right.”

He: “So of all the piles of stuff that you’ve got here, none of it is fabric.”

She: “Uh …”

He: “It’s mehbric.”

She: “Well …”

He: “Amirite? Wouldn’t it have been far more economical if the store had practiced truth in advertising and marketed it to you as mehbric? So you’d have known not to stock up on it?”

She: “And this will keep the store in business how? Besides. It was perfectly good fabric when I bought it!”

He: “So storing fabric turns it into mehbric. How long does this take?”

She: “As long as it takes to find the right project for it.”

He: “Riiiight. Or trade for it? I presume that one sewist’s meh is another one’s fab.”

She: “I’m not having my fabric show up in the shirt of someone else‘s husband!”

He: “OK …”

She: “And shall we talk about how many trumpets you’ve got in your stash …?”

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