Dude and Dude: Dated

“OK, dude, what is that?”

“I dunno, dude. Where is it?”

“Outside.”

“An’ ya think I’m gonna know whut it is? Ya think I’ve been outside enny more’n you have?”

“Well, yer tha one whut talks wit’ OC. An’ he’s been declared essential, so he ain’t been locked up wit’ tha rest a us.”

“OC has been declared essential? We’re doomed, dude!”

“Yeah, well, afore we go down fer tha last time, willya at least aks him whut this is?”

“Yeah, kay … kinda hard ta understand him …”

“Tell him ta take off his mask, dude. Nah, nevah mind, I fergit this is OC we’re talkin’ about. It wouldn’t help.”

“Happy earwax ta you too, dude. He sez it’s sum kinda phoenix …”

“Wrong.”

“Whut? Wrong how?”

“It ain’t a bird, not like ya’d want ta get close ta a firebird nohow, and we ain’t in Arizona. So, wrong twice.”

“Yeah, good luck not gettin’ close ta a firebird these days, dude. Ya seen tha unemployment rates?”

“Riiight. I c’ld name some politicians I’d like ta sic some firebirds on, yeah?”

“Ya’d havta sic ’em on tha peeps what voted for ’em, yeah? An’ that could start a confer … conflerg … a big fire that’d make tha ones in California look tiny. Think a sumthin’ else.”

“Like, whut tha picture is at tha toppa tha page?”

“It’s like OC’s already told ya, ‘r would’ve if’n ya hadn’t interrupted.  A Phoenix is a kinda palm tree.”

“Up ‘r down?”

“Whut?”

“Up ‘r down, dude! Tha palms, ‘r they takin’ ‘r slappin’?”

“Facepalms, dude. If’n ya tried not ta be so dumb fer a change, they might give ya tha time a day. ‘R at least tha day a tha week.”

“It’s a calendar tree?”

“A date palm, dude.”

“Wrong again, dude!”

“Whaaa …”

“Ya see enny chicks unda that tree?!? I call BS …”

“Ain’t no dudes unda it eitha.”

“Dude! What’re ya thinkin’ …!?!”

“That ya ain’t tha only human bean on tha planet what’s been lookin’ fer a score, yeah? In yer case, tha chicks wuz practicin’ social distancin’ on ya a whole helluva long time afore COVID. Now? Tha only date yer gonna get unda that tree is gonna be bouncin’ offa yer head. ‘R splattin’ on it if’n it’s rotten, which in this climate …”

“Ew!”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much what the chicks ‘r sayin’.”

“Dude?”

“What?”

“Fergit I aksed. An’ shaddap.”