Dude and Dude: The Area Code of the Beast

“Yo, dude, didya hear?”

“Hear what, dude?”

“Washington DC’s gettin’ a new area code!

“I don’ think so, dude. DC’s like ta need fewa area codes, as peeps, like, leave it afore tha place gets nuked ‘r somethin’.”

“It’s a fact, dude!”

“What kind?”

“An’ wait’ll ya hear what tha code will be!”

“Ya mean I gotta?”


“Yep. Alternative fact. That numba fer tha White House ‘r tha Congress?”


“Nice try, dude. Two things.”

Only two?”

“That’ll do fer a start, dude. One. They ain’t neva been a 666 area code, and they ain’t neva gonna be one. Only one place in tha USA ever even had a 666 telephone exchange. An’ they finally got rid of it.”

“Chickens. Wha’d they change it to?”


“Then they ain’t changed it! Joke’s on them!”

“… whut?”

“What’s 74 x 9?”

“Like wow, dude. That’s whut I call tha phone comp’ny givin’ payback fer all tha hassle. Too bad it’s all fer nuthin’!

“Why nuthin’?

“B’cause, two. B’cause 666 ain’t tha right numba!

“What? 666 ain’t tha numba a tha beast?”

“Nope. Lots a folk who study tha Bible fer a livin’ think that ‘tha numba a tha beast’ stood fer this wacko Roman emperor named Nero, who like tried ta wipe out all tha Christians in Rome. An’ when ya add up alla tha numbas assigned ta tha lettas in ‘Nero Caesar’ …”

“Wait, what?


They played Scrabble in ancient Rome?!?

“[…] Nah, dude, they played Scramble.”


“As in Scramble yer brains. That wuz afore they fed ya ta tha lions.”

“Is that a …”

“Alternative fact. Yeah. Willya let me finish already?”

“All you, dude. I wanted a danish anyway.”

“Yeah, knock off bein’ cheesy. As I wuz sayin’, like, when ya add up alla tha numbas assigned ta tha lettas in ‘Nero Caesar’, ya don’ get 666.”

“Ya get 749 instead?”

“Nah. Ya get 616. They changed it lata ’cause, maybe, they thought ‘666’ sounded more dangerous ‘r somethin’. But it looks like tha first numba wuz ‘616’.”

“Wow, dude.”

Gnarly, ain’t it?”

No, dude. I mean, like, wow! Like, holy Jebus, dude!!

“Say what??

Do tha peeps in, like, Grand Rapids dig this?!?


“And have we been getting any returns from this investment, Wormsap?”

“Well, Master Screwtape, the counties in area code 616 all pretty solidly voted for Trump and Republicans last year. Of course, with the partisanship that [ahem] you have incited across the United States of America, it hardly matters who anybody voted for, anywhere. The thoughtful voters all got silenced long ago. And the rest have all bought our properties. Whether in the Ryan Wing or the Sanders Wing of the Hall of Ideologues, it hardly matters. The construction demons are madly at work trying to make sure the halls have not enough room to hold all the contracts when they are fulfilled.”

“And all those noisemakers will have a grand old time maintaining the silence that we will insist on them, as part of our rules and regulations! We will teach them discipline. They do, after all, have all eternity to learn it. HOWWWLLLLLLLL!!!!

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