Amoeba’s Lorica: Rage Against the Caterpillars

PEONIA, ILLINOIS (API*): At a Zoom press conference today, hosted by University of Illinois Extension, representatives from the Milkweed Promotion and anti-HAte Team (MilkPHAT) described a pest plague that is devastating milkweeds, and decried the lack of human intervention against it.

“‘Caterpillars are everywhere?’ Of course they are!” exclaimed MilkPHAT speaker Asclepias Wellman. “And do we do anything to control the plague? Hell no! We use our schools as breeding grounds for it! And our membership is hurting, big time. Have you seen how a milkweed looks after the butterfly spawn have finished with it? How can you stand unmoved while one of our oxygen-producing plant allies is crippled or perhaps even put to death by these menacing insects!

“Look”, he continued. “Imagine that the caterpillars are COVID-19, and the milkweeds are us. We’d be blitzing those bugs to the max, putting the plants in glasshouse quarantine and wiping everything in sight down with insecticide. Instead, we coddle the damned pests! We don’t even have the kids wearing masks around them!  How hopelessly irresponsible is that? What are we teaching our children?!?”

An elementary school teacher attempted to respond. Wellman cut her off, saying “I will have no truck with those who willfully sponsor plague foci. Yes, the caterpillars are something other than the run-0f-the-mill brown. That should target them for attack! Instead, we squeal ‘Oh, how pretty!‘ And the butterflies they spit out are large, and striking, and they conduct world tours. ‘How wonderful!’ How miserable!! No wonder we call them ‘monarchs‘. They rule our minds, against all sense. I thought the so-called democracy we claim to live in banned royalty?

“What do these stinking arthropods do for people, anyway? Provide entertainment? Distraction? Have we ever gotten anything useful out of them? Like insulation, or packing material, or folk medicines, or hunting aids? Or, as I mentioned already, oxygen? All of which come from milkweeds?

“MilkPHAT”, Wellman concluded, “is dedicated to the principle that milkweeds are no less entitled to protection against insect pests than are maize, tomatoes, broccoli, or any other valuable plant species infested with caterpillars. We are committed to the extermination of all threats to our membership. This is our mission, and we will carry it out.”

Wellman did not respond to questions.

(* API = Amoeba Press International. All the News That’s Fit To Fake Print.)

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Amoeba’s Lorica: Meme-ories 31 (Competency Party Candidate)

Kris:Seriously, Murphy?”

Murphy: “Seriously. Trump and the Repugnicans are vile and corrupt. Biden and the Dimicrats may be less vile, but they’re no less corrupt. And their coalition will fly apart the second each of its constituent identity groups realizes that it isn’t going to be the one that runs the show for its own benefit and hind tit for all the others. Just like Trudeau up north, and Biden doesn’t have Canadians to work with. You really want a repeat of Obama’s first term, when the Repugnicans charged back from Dubya’s disgrace, which should have put them out of action for a generation, and showed that theirs is the only unified group of any size in the country?”

Kris: “The only unified group in the country is a pack of brain-dead racists?!?”

Murphy: “Which we wor$hiped like the coming of the Lord’s Messiah until COVID-19 came along. I am sick of lurching between two idiot extremes. Let’s have somebody who will remind us what this ‘personal liberty’ crap has earned us, who will get each of us to work, first and foremost, for the good of all. Or sit down and shut up.”

Kris: “You mean, like he just did in Hong Kong?”

Murphy: “Did it work, or didn’t it?”

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Amoeba’s Lorica: The Anti-Maskers March (And Why It’s Wrong)

If Mr Zimmermann will apologize for inflicting incompetent harmonica blowing on an unsuspecting musical audience, Your Friendly Neighborhood Amoeba will apologize for ripping off his tune.

They’ll hate on you for coughing in their face,
They’ll hate on you for not knowing your place,
They’ll hate on you for going to a bar,
They’ll hate you for not staying in your car,
But I would not feel so persecuted,
Everybody must get COVID!

They’ll hate on you for doubting evolution,
‘Cause science can’t be trusted for solutions,
They’ll hate on you for knowing what to do,
For doing only what God told you to,
But I would not feel so persecuted,
Everybody must get COVID!

They’ll hate on you for opening the schools,
They’ll hate you for not following their rules,
They’ll hate on you because there’s no vaccine,
Which we would hate, you know just what I mean,
But I would not feel so persecuted,
Everybody must get COVID!

They’ll hate on you ’cause you can’t work on Zoom,
They’ll hate on you ’cause retail’s gone kaboom,
They’ll hate on you for needing to make a buck,
They’ll hate on you and fling you in the muck,
But I would not feel so persecuted,
Everybody must get COVID!

They’ll hate on you for letting freedom ring,
They’ll hate on you ’cause liberty’s your thing,
They’ll hate on you because you are white,
They’ll hate on you and then they’ll say “Good night”,
But I would not feel so persecuted,
Everybody must get COVID!


In all seriousness, though. The way (it says here) to deal with the anti-mask mobs is to insist, stringently and consistently, on evidence-based best anti-COVID practices throughout society – and to give no publicity whatsoever to the antics of those who reject the evidence on principle due to their religious beliefs because they’re spoiled brats.

Do not blame the media, mass, social, or otherwise. The media exist to make money. They make their money from what we choose to watch, and they will give us more of whatever it is we watch and profit accordingly. What we say means exactly nothing, what we do is all-important. Each of us, in acceptance of personal responsibility for the fate of our communities (without which our destruction is assured), must agree not to watch, and ensure that those in our networks do likewise, driving those networks to encompass all of society. Anything else, including ridicule, declares us to be liars in the most comprehensive, and destructive, way possible.

Once pro sports and the associated mass media got that message, the streaking pandemic of the 1970s ended abruptly. Heavy consequences, no bennies. The same must apply to those who, through their selfishness, put themselves, their neighbors, and the very nation at risk, from COVID-19, racism, sexism, disastrous economic stratification, anthropogenic climate change, or any of the host of other things that we profess to be concerned about. Data and humility must rule, not myth and hubris.

“Freedom” and “liberty” are not universal, absolute blessings, they are expressions of ‘self’ that must be balanced against the needs of society. Individuals can agree among themselves what the limits to personal freedom and liberty are, under the circumstances of the moment. Or they can fail to achieve a consensus, and get the necessary limits imposed from without, lest the social structure unravel and all suffer.

The world is watching, and is learning that imposing limits from without, as in China, is the way to go – and wanton selfishness, as in the USA, is not.

Feeling noble about all this? Be careful. Your taxes just doubled (or maybe tripled, especially if you’ve worked your donkey off to gain that extra 50 grand the last few years), and your charity burden likewise, so that the hospitals may actually have the gear and staff they need to cope with the pandemic, and the up to 30% of us who have been thrown out of work by the virus don’t have to dig through dumpsters. And your salary – oh goody, you still have one! – has probably just been cut by that 50 grand. Not that you could get the gas for that climate-destroying car you used to have, at any price. Now how do you feel? And that’s probably not even close to the extent of the givebacks that are going to be expected of the ‘prosperous’ henceforth.

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