Dude and Dude: Honestific


“What’cha got, dude? An’ is there a cure fer it?”

“Ha. Ha ha. Ha. Here, dude, lemme thaw out yer COVID shot fer ya.”

“Riiiight, dude. An’ when they hauls ya afore tha judge, what’re ya gonna say, yeah?”

“That’s zactly whut I wanted ta talk wit’ ya about!”

Destroyin’ essential medicines?!?

“Whut ta call tha judge, dude!”

“Hoooookay …”

“Fer real, dude. Judges ‘re saposed ta be, like, tha most trustworthy dudes around, yeah?”

“Yeah mebbe. Seventy-three percent a them ennyways.”

“Dudes an’ chicks then. Sheesh. So why does they put up wit’ bein’ called ‘Your Honor’?”

“Um …”

Why ‘re they settlin’? If they’s tha most trustworthy peeps we got, howcum we ain’t addressin’ them wit’ ‘Your Honest‘?”

“O .. my .. ”


“Some a them w’ld prob’ly be sweatin’, dude, thinkin’ that ya’d dug up some dirt on ’em an’ were tryin’ ta be cute ’bout it. An’ others w’ld accept tha compliment, but toss ya in jail fer contempt a court ennyways fer usin’ a possessive pronoun when ya shoulda been usin’ a contraction.”

“[…] whut?”

“That’s whut I figgered. Say goodnight, dude.”

“Goodnight, dude.”

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Dude and Dude: Emo Not Emo

“Yo, dude.”

“What is it, dude? It’s a’most sack time.”

“Don’t even think it, dude.”

“… whut?”

“Ya ain’t my boss, an’ ya ain’t gonna be sackin’ me, no matta how much ya think ya might like ta.”

“Riiiight. Hate ta clue ya, dude, but ya gotta be hired someplace afore nobody c’n sack ya.”

“Here, dude. Let me intraduce ya ta tha reverse shaka.”

Whoah. Emotional or what? Ya gettin’ ’nuff sleep?

“That’s what I’m tryin’ ta talk ta ya about!”


“Bein’ emotional. Ya got all these emojis all ova tha place, ya can’t write nuthin’ without ’em. An’ they’re all, like, ova tha top! Laughin’, cryin’, yellin’, screamin’, an’ a bunch a stuff that, if’n I mentioned it here, it’d prob’ly get me control-Xed by OC.”

“Ya mean, like that reverse shaka? An’, command-X.”

“How ’bout ‘wipe personal data’, dude? Ya dig that most dudes an’ chickas these days ain’t got a clue what this ‘control-X’ an’ ‘command-X’ schtick is about, yeah?”

“Yeah, but whut does OC know? That’s whut mattas ta you an’ me? Does he even got a phone?”

“Mebbe one a these, dude.”

“… ooooOOooo. Yer emo’s got ya livin’ dangerously, yeah?”

“But that’s my question, dude! Howcum all these emojis gotta be, like, so emo? They set bad examples, yeah? Ain’t there some that’re, like, chill? That don’t get ya all carried away ‘r nuthin’? What help a dude dig how ta deal?

“… dude?”


“You idiot! Ya cain’t have emojis what ain’t got emotion! Them’s gotta be noemojis, yeah? Separate category. An’ don’t get yerself lost while yer lookin’ fer it. Long ways away an’ nobody goes there.”

“Kinda like how Snopes goes bankrupt while dudes pushin’ fake news make billions?”

“Dude, if’n ya a’ready know tha answers, why’re ya keepin’ me awake half tha night wit’ yer questions?



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He and She: Negated Negative

He: “Um … sweetheart?”

She: “Yes, love?”

He: “Did you bring the dog?”

She: “The … dog?”

He: “You know, the dog. Say ‘yes’.”

She:What dog?”

He: “The cat then.”

She: “I’ve been asking for a cat or a dog for years! And you have been the one that’s pointed to the terms of our lease. Every time!”

He: Pipe down or they’ll hear you. A fishbowl then.”

She: “Huh?”

He: “A cockroach in your pocket!


He: “We gotta have something we can call a pet, or they’ll make us leave!”

She: “Who’s they?

He: “The people who run this place! We’re not allowed to be here without pets! Says so on the sign, right there! And our band’s supposed to be playing! How am I going to explain to the group how I managed to get thrown off the property?

She: “O .. my ..”

He: “See?”

She:You don’t know the half of it. We can fix your problem by plopping down on a bench and, ah, cuddling up. But you have never smoked in your life. I took my last puff thirty years ago, and I’m not about to start smoking again on some shopping center’s say-so. You’d think that, after a full year of the COVID pandemic, these people would want our business!”

He: “We’re giving them the business. You don’t think they’ll be happy about that?”

She: “No.”

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