Amoeba’s Lorica: Treading

Posted on December 2, 2025 by Amoeba

For the general public, [19th and early 20th century] patent medicines presented an affordable and easily accessible alternative to medical care. In contrast, medical treatment by doctors was often costly, and many individuals could not afford it. Furthermore, numerous people lived in remote areas where access to doctors was limited. Patent medicines appealed to consumers because they could be ordered through the internet mail, and kits of medicines for common ailments were available. – Oregon Health and Science University

MANAUS, Brazil (API*): This gateway city to South America’s Amazon Rainforest is bristling with guns at this hour. A strong multinational joint military operation, the MWHA Expeditionary Force, is preparing to enter the rainforest and clear the way for the hordes of humans that are targeting the world’s last remaining snake habitat. Factory ships clog the Port of Manaus in anticipation of turning a bountiful snake harvest into oil to meet the overwhelming popular demand for snake-oil-based health and beauty aids.

A renegade force consisting primarily of radical militant factions of the former Sierra Club and laid-off scientists, physicians, and administrators from the former US National Institutes of Health have vowed to stop the snake harvest. Drone strikes and sabotage attempts, apparently directed at elements of the MWHA EF and at the snake harvesting/processing infrastructure, have met with indifferent success, commonly missing targets and causing collateral damage, infuriating local residents. Expeditionary Force commanding General, Alexis Haig, dismissed the rebel force and its ineffective actions to date, saying:

Those who would presume to oppose the Will of the People with force need to be sure that they have mastered their tools. They have not, they had previously forsworn them, and now it is too late for them. We will wipe them off the path of progress, we will help them kiss their own asses goodbye. We move out in the morning, and expect our campaign to be swift and sure.

A reporter for API who asked Haig what would happen to the industry after all the snakes were gone has not been heard from for three days. A speaker for the Expeditionary Force offered thoughts and prayers, but no assistance in locating her.

In other news, the embattled traditional-health cult Médicins Sans Frontières has reported the extermination of a team sent to the headwaters of the Congo River to investigate claims of a smallpox outbreak. A speaker for MWHA accused the team of attempting to force the banned “vaccination” procedure on citizens in the outbreak zone. “Their deaths are on their own heads”, the speaker asserted. “We will address the problem in a way that actually assists the population, instead of filling the bursting coffers of extortionate science-medicine practitioners – as soon as snake oil from the Amazonian operation becomes available. In the meantime, those who survive this outbreak will be stronger and healthier. Make the World Healthy Again!”

Reports from the scene, smuggled to API, claim that the force sent against the MsF physicians was led by a woman in a white lab coat named Alexa, who was accompanied by burly black-clad apparitions bearing the emblem of a “Surplus Humanity Service“.

*  API: Amoeba Press International. All Fake News. Always. As You Like It.

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Amoeba’s Lorica: COPout

Posted on November 23, 2025 by Amoeba

Global climate talks ended with a resolution that made no direct mention of fossil fuels, the main driver of global warming. – New York Times “The Morning” Newsletter, 23 November 2025

“COP30 showed that climate cooperation is alive and kicking, keeping humanity in the fight for a livable planet, with a firm resolve to keep 1.5C within reach.” – Simon Stiell, 22 November 2025

NEW NOME, Big Baird Island, Alaska (API*): International climate talks at this palm-studded resort on the balmy shores of the Bering Sea concluded today, without reaching consensus on how to deal with human-mediated climate change, the political, social, and environmental consequences of inaction notwithstanding.

In deir closing address, Climate Conference Executive Secretary Barri Beatapieda maintained an upbeat tone while acknowledging the issues and their severity.

“The blessed bright sunshine of New Nome in high Alaskan summer could not cover up the climate storm that is planet Earth in our time”, dey said. “The carbon emissions that have created this paradise, and are needed to sustain it, are collapsing precipitously, as fossil fuel stocks are depleted or lie too far below our global ocean’s surface to be recoverable, and as the human population has declined to the point that even the best efforts of individual citizens have, so far, proven to be insufficient to maintain current atmospheric carbon dioxide levels.

“Already, the consequences of inaction are evident, and costly. Snow and ice have started to appear on the high peaks of the Baird Islands during January and February, and, to our east, there are reports that the tallest mountains of the Brooks Range now are ice-covered year round. Lowering sea levels are threatening maritime infrastructure, and confronting ship traffic with new navigation hazards. Keystone species of soft-bodied marine animals, and algae, are suffering with the decreasing temperature and acidity of the seawater. The animals and plants of Alaska’s forests and plains cannot be far behind. Speaker after speaker has asked, nay demanded: ‘Must we wait until the palm trees freeze before we take action?’

“But, speaker after speaker has assured us that, despite the challenges that we face, despite the outlook that could be bleak if we let it be bleak, steps are being taken.

“Our information technologies are making use of the increasing energy inefficiencies of their devices, enforced by the loss of manufacturing capacity and innovation drive that has resulted from a declining human population, to increase per-capita carbon output and thereby limit carbon loading decline overall. They are, of course, urging 24/7/365 usage of these devices.

“Our transportation industries are encouraging more leisure travel within the human-habitable zones of this our planet, and are initiating tours to the ruins of civilization in the intolerable zones. They are encouraging bigger and more powerful vehicles with their attendant elevated fuel use, longer commute times, and other means to keep carbon consumption by planes, trains, and automobiles at acceptable levels.

“Our energy industries are working, as feverishly as capital and political will allow, to capture the methane and other high-carbon-output but low density molecules from the anoxic zones of our oceans, and use them to replace our fossil fuel stocks as they run out, to fuel our economy and the atmospheric carbon loading needed to sustain the environment that our economy needs to survive and grow.

“We are not yet winning the climate fight. But we are still in it. Our speakers, and our participating nations, increasingly are choosing unity over bickering, science over witchcraft, and economic common sense over silliness. Climate cooperation is yet alive and kicking, keeping humanity in the fight for a livable planet, with a firm resolve to keep a global atmospheric carbon dioxide content at and above 1000 ppm within our grasp. The palm groves of this lovely Big Baird Island resort deserve no less.”

Among the Climate Conference’s few consensus recommendations was a call for dramatic steps to increase the human population, for more and larger families to reverse generations of decline caused by loss of habitat for people and crops, and by the increasing social and financial costs of children. When asked by API for comment, Ange Fercos of the Alaska chapter of JASL had this to say:

When males menstruate, get pregnant, suffer labor pains, nurse, change diapers, and survive bratty child temper tantrums on top of working the 80-hour weeks that the Conference thinks is necessary to keep the climate stable, not to mention pay for the food that is not available to us, then we of the JASL might consider going along with the family policy. Until then, the wannabe slave-drivers of the Climate Conference can suck it.

*  API: Amoeba Press International. All Fake News. Always. As You Like It.

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Amoeba’s Lorica: Foundering Father

Posted on November 16, 2025 by Amoeba

GEORGE, AmaSoft Commerce Zone (API*): This quiet, somewhat dusty community on the banks of the Columbia River is in an uproar at this hour. Hundreds of trucks clog its streets and parking spaces, each filled with the disassembled mansion and outbuildings of the Mount Vernon Plantation, once the Virginia home of George Washington, first President of the United States of America.

At a hastily-called news conference, the Mayor of George, flanked by the members of the city’s council, read a prepared statement.

The city of George has been granted the privilege of reassembling this historical icon, and preparing it for presentation to the citizenry of our nation as a tourist attraction. We will begin this noble task [ahem] as soon as we have figured out where to put this testament to our shared heritage, and how to operate it. In the meantime, we ask for the patience and forbearance of the citizens of this our city. We promise that it won’t be too long before you, and we, can get our cars out of our driveways.

The Mayor dismissed the gathering without providing any further details about what had happened.

A person with knowledge of the situation, who spoke to API on condition of anonymity, fearing reprisal for speaking to the media without authorization, said:

The first inkling we got about any of this is when railcars filled with the Mount Vernon buildings were delivered to the Intermodal depot in Quincy, and there was a call for trucks to ship the contents to us.

We called the nation’s capital, Trump City, and said, well, what the [redacted]. We got told that His Imperial Highness the Nation’s CEO is doing all that he can to retrieve Our Nation from the calamities it suffered as a dysfunctional republic, and return it to greatness under the strong, autocratic leadership that the Nation’s People demand. He is especially keen to remove all evidence of the existence of persons who modeled and embodied the former, and ultimately proven useless, “no kings” ethos.

A second person, who also spoke to us on condition of anonymity, confirmed the first report. The person added that, while the Nation’s CEO saw no value in retaining the Mount Vernon property at its original site, he was persuaded to see if, by setting it up at a remote location far from the seat of government and the memories of those in government, a location that had a history of reverence for its most well-known owner, it could make any money for his government and, in particular, himself. The district surrounding the city of George would be permitted to retain the name Washington as a marketing ploy, that name having been removed from all other place names and structures in the Nation, including the former “state” jurisdiction now known as the AmaSoft Commerce Zone.

Originally, our contact reported, the reconstructed mansion was to have housed a casino, but the nationwide legalization of all gambling forms, to remove one of the most egregious examples of racial discrimination from the national sphere, meant that the idea no longer had merit.

The mayor of George was heard to mutter, just after the press conference, that at least the Mount Vernon Plantation historical site project meant that the Wanapum Dam enlargement, that would have flooded George and all its neighboring communities to provide power for the AmaSoft Commerce Zone AI data centers, had been cancelled. When asked by API about this, a speaker for AmaSoft said:

The Wanapum Dam project is one of many before us. The power requirements for our AI’s transformation of society are urgent, and compelling. The rate and scope of progress with our activities at Hanford will determine when, and how quickly, Wanapum Dam and other power projects are realized. To communities like George that are in the path of progress, we say, No promises. The needs of AI’s world outweigh the needs of a few people within that world.

This just in: The mayor and council of the city of Mount Vernon, in the AmaSoft Commerce Zone, have lost their jobs in a community reorganization. It was reported that the mayor, having heard about the delivery of the Mount Vernon Plantation buildings to George, asked the government in Trump City why the buildings hadn’t come to the city which had been named after them. In response, DOGE agents occupied the city halls of Mount Vernon and neighboring Burlington, merging both former polities under the name BNSF City, after the railroad that was responsible for the existence of both communities. The government of BNSF City is in the hands of middle managers supplied by the railroad.

*  API: Amoeba Press International. All Fake News. Always. As You Like It.

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