“Time ta call it a night, dude, headed fer my room. See ya in tha mornin’.”
“Kay, dude.”
“Y’ll be sackin’ out yerself soon, yeah?”
“Mebbe.”
“Maybe? Whatsamatta? Sumthin’ eatin‘ at ya?”
“Nah. Though now that ya mention it, I am kinda hungry. But that ain’t it.”
“So what is?”
“I wuz kinda hopin’ ta catch tha easter bunny in tha act. Speakin’ a hungry.”
“Tha whut?”
“Ya heard me.”
“At yer age?!? Whut tha hell drug’r ya on, and why didn’t ya leave enny fer me?”
“No drugs, dude. They cause autism, ya know.”
“Yeah. Riiiight. Dude, ya ain’t laid in yer easter basket by now, ya ain’t gonna. It’s too late, tha stores ‘r closed, Doordash is done fer tha night, an’ ya ain’t given Amazon ’nuff time ta lose yer package fer ya. If’n yer relyin’ onna kid’s fantasy ta get ya yer holiday munchies, yer even more far gone than I always thought ya wuz.”
“La la la la laa, dude. Can’t hear ya fer nuthin’. In case ya care, I gotta question.”
“Yeah?”
“How far east is easter, dude?”
“[…] O … my …”
“Well? If’n tha easter bunny shows up like it’s saposed ta, then I’ll know how far away easter is, ennythin’ closer is just ‘east’. Amirite?”
“Dude, that’s … genius!“
“Er, why, thanks dude, I didn’t know ya cared …”
“But ya do know where we’re livin’, yeah?”
“A cheap apartment on Long Island?”
“Western civilization, dude.”
“[…] I might give ya tha western, dude, but as fer tha civilization, have ya fergotten who tha President is, an’ how he got there?”
“Stop tryin’ ta distract me, dude. Yer lookin’ fer easter, ain’t ya mebbe lookin’ in tha wrong direction?”
“… uh …”
“Ya look west fer far enough along a sphere, pretty soon yer lookin’ at sumplace east, yeah?”
“That’s eastest, dude. I’d still have ta do some real trekkin’ afore I got ta easter. Prob’ly shorter an’ easier ta go tha way we set out ta go in tha first place.”
“[…] dude?”
“Yeah?”
“Do me an’ you a favor, yeah? Fergit tha easter bunny. Let it do its thing, wit’out ya tryin’ ta butt in. Go ta bed. Get some sleep. Don’t dream a easter, ‘r east, ‘r north by northwest, ‘r enny a that, ah, stuff. Dream a sugarplums ‘r somethin’.”
“NO, dude!”
“Whut no?”
“NO SUGARPLUMS, dude! That’s Christmas! Don’t go there!!”
“Fer tha last time, dude. Easter ain’t a direction, it’s a holiday!”
“A party, dude? Why didn’ ya jus’ say so? Let’s go!”
“A Christian holiday!”
“[…] So we can’t go.”
“Huh?”
“Sounds kinda, y’know, exclusive.”
“Well, yeah, but …”
“What if’n her name is Barbara Ann?”
“[…] dude …”
“‘R Bobbie Sue? ‘R, like, Esmerelda?”
“Dude?”
“Yeah?”
“Go back ta bed.”
Wait, really? Drugs cause autism? Is that even a thing?
Probably best to ask Mr Kennedy that question.