He and She: Gorilla Guerrilla and How to Feed Them

She: “Breakfast!”

He: “Good morning, love.”

She:Eggs Benedict!!

He: “Right. You want me to get dressed this minute and take you to the local diner so your breakfast can turn traitor on you?”

She:No! I want Eggs Benedict for taming!

He: “You want to tame it?”

She: “Not ‘it’. Them!

He: “Where are you going with …?”

She: “In South America!

He: “[…] Which we’re not going to get to in time for breakfast.”

She: “Don’t know why not. I just got back from there.”

He: “You .. just .. got .. back … In your dreams, maybe.”

She: “Of course!

He: “‘Of course’. What was I thinking? OK. What did I do this time while I was unconsciously minding my own business?”

She: “You weren’t in this one!”

He: “What? You don’t love me no more?”

She: “So you wanted to cook for 127 gorillas?”

He: “… whut?”

She: “I didn’t think so. Me and Sianon were out and about in Idaho, taking pictures of wildlife, when she suddenly remembered that she’d promised to visit a friend in the hospital. So we dash off, but when we get there, the friend’s not in her room, and no one’s seen her.

“‘Uh oh, she’s done it again’, says Sianon. ‘We’ve got to find her.'”

He: “I’m beginning to realize that when the word ‘it’ appears in your dreams, it’s time to worry.’It’ is usually weird.”

She: “So we run off looking for her. And a few minutes later, we find her. Still in a hospital gown. But we’re not in Idaho anymore, we’re in South America. And it’s not a her, it’s a him. And he’s been captured!

He: “By …”

She: “127 gorillas! On Harleys!”

He: “Gorillas or guerrillas?”

She:Yes! Gorillas with human faces, and rifles, and ammunition belts crossed across their chests!”

He: “So this is what you meant when you said you were taking gorilla warfare to new levels!”

She: “And they were happy to see us!

He: “Target practice?!?”

She: “‘Someone to cook for us!’, they cried. It’s breakfast time, and we’re hungry!

He: “I take it this is where the eggs Benedict come in.”

She: “For 127. All 127 served at the same time, or else. Two hundred fifty-four poached eggs, cooked perfectly and served simultaneously, or else. Canadian bacon sliced just so (of course it wasn’t pre-sliced), or else. They gave us this huge cauldron to cook the hollandaise sauce in.

“‘You know, don’t you, that you can only cook hollandaise sauce in small batches, or it will separate?’

“‘That’s fine’, the head gorilla told me, ‘we can just kill you now’.

“‘We’ll figure it out’, I said.

“And we did! Don’t ask me how. Also don’t ask me where we found enough sleeping powder for 127 servings of eggs Benedict, or how we managed to put it into the food undetected. But we got it done, and the gorillas fell asleep on cue. So we could rescue her … um, him … um … Sianon’s friend, and get the friend back to Idaho and into the hospital.”

He: “For which service, this person was grateful?

She: “He didn’t want to go!

He:Stockholm syndrome?”

She: “‘I’m not done yet!’, he wailed. ‘This is my house they stole, my property they’re camped on! I want to make them pay!‘ Well, we weren’t waiting for him to be done, we wanted out of there before the sleeping powder wore off. So we grabbed him and started to make our getaway. Except that we couldn’t.”

He: “You could successfully cook a 127-place sitting of eggs Benedict and knock out all 127 in the process, but you couldn’t get three of you out of a house? Sounds like a dream fail to me.”

She: “Well, we found out what it was he wasn’t done doing yet! Setting booby-traps! They were everywhere! We couldn’t move without setting something off!”

He: “And then you woke up?”

She: “Uh huh.”

He: “Good. Waking up next to a bloody splat on the bed is not my first choice for how to start my day. And after all that, you still want eggs Benedict for breakfast?”

She: “Yes! I’ve got tasties for them now.”

He: “Hm. I think I’d go for something a little less … um … difficult. And perhaps more appropriate.”

She: “What?”

He: “Bananas.”


He: “Heh heh.”

This entry was posted in He and She, humor and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to He and She: Gorilla Guerrilla and How to Feed Them

  1. Quilly says:

    Bananas Foster, love. Yummy. Do NOT tell the Guerrila Gorillas about them!

Comments are closed.