He and She: Burger-lers

He: “Now this is a hamburger.”

She: “You can say that again.”

He: “OK. Now this …”


He: “But you said …!”

She: “Never mind. Stop talking. Eat. It’s broke da mouth. Act like it.”

He: “And just how am I supposed to eat anything with a broken mouth?!?”

She: “Very carefully. C’mon, love! How long we stay Hawaiʻi? If it’s ‘broke da mouth’, it’s gooood.”

He: “The silence?

She: “The food. Though if you keep this up …”

He: “Alrightalright. But I’ve still got questions.”

She: “Ye-esss?”

He: “We’ve got these burgers. Good burgers. Broke da mouth, an’ choke. Speaking of ‘stay Hawaiʻi’. Which we got in Hawaiʻi. Where the cost of breathing has driven people to Chapter 11. How badly did these grindz break da bank?

She: “Not. Prices were surprisingly reasonable. At least that’s what I remember. Dig up the receipt and find out.”

He: “Um … what receipt?”

She: “You didn’t get a receipt?”

He: “It was mobbed in there. The girl came to me in line, handed me the bag, told me I was good to go. I think that’s what she said, I only heard about half of it. But she didn’t grab me on the way out. I thought you paid when you called in the order!”

She: “You kidding? She could hardly make out my name over the phone because of all the noise. Credit card numbers were not happening!”

He: “Are you telling me what I think you’re telling me?”

She: “Uh huh …”

He and She together:We burgled these burgers!!

He: “What time do they open tomorrow?”

She: “Around noontime.”

He: “OK, I’ll go over there and pay up. And hope they don’t ban us or something.”


She: “I still can’t believe it!”

He: “Believe what?

She: “I went over to that burger place to pick up our lunch, and they still remember me. And thank me!”

He: “What? For coming back to pay for those grindz that we walked off with?”


He: “Rad. Come to think of it, they did seem surprised and pleased that I showed up yesterday with the magic plastic. Remembered your name then, too. Guess it’s not every day that someone five-finger-discounts an order. Not how I’d choose to make myself memorable.”

She: “That’s just it! They do lose orders every day! Several of them! At least that’s what they told me just now. And the memorable part is, we came back!

He: “What? Doesn’t everybody?”

She: “Guess not. They even asked why we bothered, because no one else does. Which I answered, ‘Because we like you and want you to stay in business.’ Right?”

He: “Right. You pig.”

She:What did you call me …??

He: “What Abbie Hoffman would have called you.”

She:Abbie Normal?”

He:Abbie Hoffman. And stop dissing m-m-m-my generation. I get to do that my own self. Mr Hoffman taught that anyone in power in the USA is a pig, from whom it’s OK, even noble, to steal. And, of course, any persons who support any part of the ‘Establishment’ – including by returning to pay for what you’ve taken from hamburger joints – are pigs themselves. Oink.”

She: “And you’re saying that we’ve all learned our lessons well?”

He: “To the point of thinking that it’s OK, even noble, to steal from whomever, whenever, any time we can get away with it. ‘Cause it’s not OK for anyone to do better than us, or even to inconvenience us.”

She: “Well, I guess I know now how come the place is mobbed all the time.”

He: “Hm?”

She: “Free food.”

He: “Until they put the people and procedures in place to stop it. At which point, unless they get lucky, they will be labeled pigs.”

She: “And we wonder where locks, and keys, and gates, and walls come from.”

He: “Yep. We have met the enemy …”

She: “… and they are us.”

He: “As usual.”

This entry was posted in food, He and She, humor and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.