Dude and Dude: Stash

“So, dude, how’s yer stash?”

“An’ yer aksin’ fer why? How long we been doin’ this?”

“Ah, awhile now …”

“An’ ya still ain’t figgered out that I don’t do needles? Sewin’ ‘r othawise? Glad ta know I’m worth nuthin‘ ta ya, dude. Thanks a pantload. An’ as fer tha weed …”

“Not that stash, dude! Tha Hallowe’en stash! Ya gotta know it’s a’most Hallowe’en ’cause yer goin’ all scary on me. If’n we ain’t done nuthin’ ’bout stockpilin’ treats yet, we gotta get on it, like pronto, afore them hungry kids in bedsheets start showin’ up. We don’ want no tricks!

“We don’t?

“Trixie’s outa my price range, dude …”

Wantin’ an’ havin’ ‘r different, dude. Leastways they was once. But we’re talkin’ candy, yeah? Wit’, like, sugar an’ chocolate an’ fat an’ red dye no. 3 an’ brominated whatchacallits, yeah? So tha kids can get sick, an’ hyper, an’ obese, an’ poisoned six ways from Sunday. Dude?”


“Tha trick’s on them, amirite? An’, dunno ’bout you, but I’ve been workin’ on this ‘stash’ thingy fer awhile now. Here, lemme show ya.”

“[…] ah, dude?”


Tell me ya ain’t givin’ out beans on Hallowe’en.”

“Who said nuthin’ ’bout givin’? Ain’t nobody but you an’ me gets ta know we got this, nevah mind whut’s in it. Ain’t ya been followin’ tha news lately?”

“Not if’n I c’n help it, dude.”

“Ye’uh huh. So ya know nuthin’ ’bout tha Middle East blowin’ up, again, ‘r ’bout the Ukraine mess, ‘r how tha Chinese ‘r snoopin’ ’round tryin’ ta make trouble ta distract its people from tha fact that its guvmint ain’t deliverin’ on its promises, ‘r ’bout earthquakes, ‘r storms an’ fires wipin’ people out ’cause a climate change, an’ people still gettin’ COVID, an’ meanwhile the US guvmint’s fixin’ ta shut down right afta Hallowe’en ’cause it ain’t got money ta run it, ’cause tha freaks’ve shut down tha House a Representatives an’ we got 20 peeps ta thank that we don’t got a guvmint that’s been put in place by brownshirt standovah tactics? At least, not yet?

“[…] dude?”


You been talkin’ wit’ OC again?

“Sue me. Good luck gettin’ a court date any time this decade. An’ hope that we won’t be relyin’ on this survival stash ta eat afore that date’s scheduled.”

“Ohfercrissakes, dude, lighten up, willya? We got a whole new set of Hallowe’en costumes ta look forward to when tha beggars come to tha door to get poisoned next week.”


“Members a Congress.”


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