Kris an’ Murphy: The Great Wreckoning

Somewhere, deep in the wilderness of Zoom, our two (at this writing) tenured university faculty contemplate their future …

Kris: “Are we having fun yet, Murphy? … You’re on mute.”

Murphy (unmuting): “Yeah, Kris, there’s a reason. I don’t trust the circuit boards in this spawn-of-the-Devil computer contraption not to fry if I tell them what I think of them. And if they do fry, what do you think my chances are of getting a replacement from university IT in time to develop those online programs that we weren’t supposed to have to produce, never mind deliver them to the students starting in three weeks?”

Kris:You have students?”

Murphy:Pipe down, Kris!! If this Zoom thing can be bombed, it can be bugged! The last thing Admin needs to hear is how many of our majors have middle-finger-saluted us out the door this coming semester! And year! Now that we’re online-only.”

Kris: “Yeah, well, we’ve been saying for years …”


Kris: “… that the last thing that matters in a university education is our classes and the grades we hand out for not passing them and saying they did. Looks like the paying customers have finally figured this out, and if they ain’t gettin’ parties, they ain’t payin’ for no school work.”

Murphy: “But do we have to shout that from the rooftops …?”

Kris: “Really, Murphy. As if Admin doesn’t already know exactly how many students aren’t coming this year. And how broke the place is going to be on account of it, to six decimal places.”

Murphy: “You sure about that? I haven’t been seeing any of them jumping from the roof of Bookkeeper Hall.”

Kris: “Say what? Are you OK, Murphy? Do I need to be getting you a COVID test? You of all people should know that the Admin types aren’t jumping off no roof, they’re planning how many of us to throw off! It’s already started, and guess who’s top of the pops? Classics departments and faculty! That’s us, my man! Right up there with Philosophy, Religious Studies, Fine Arts, and those perennial loss leaders, Biology, Chemistry, and Physics! No university bureaucrat in sight. Need them to figure out how they’re going to save the football season, no doubt. How the hell long you think it’s going to be before Alma Mater hands us our pink slips, huh?”

Murphy: “Faster than university students can organize an anti-vaxx protest against the COVID vaccine that we don’t have yet. Oh well, Kris, it was fun while it lasted, at least some of it. And if we’re going to be kicked out anyway, I have a last request regarding that pink slip.”

Kris: “Dare I ask?”

Murphy: “Something cute and willing inside it.”

Kris:Louise bailed too?”

Murphy: “Yep. And Grace?”

Kris: “Same.”

“… we often pause to think what fabulous sums of money would be turned loose on the world if ever it were discovered, suddenly, that the American system of education was really wrong, and didn’t actually work at all.”

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2 Responses to Kris an’ Murphy: The Great Wreckoning

  1. Quilly says:

    It works just fine for the people raking in the bucks.

  2. Pingback: Kris an’ Murphy: Wunderwaffe | Dude & Dude

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