AI: Smokin’ In the Boys Room

A work of fiction. Standard disclaimers.


Smokin’ in the boys’ room
Smokin’ in the boys’ room
Now, teacher, I am fully aware of the rules
And everybody knows that smokin’ ain’t allowed in school!
Cub Koda & Michael Lutz, 1973

BROWNSVILLE STATION, TX, 1 October 2048 (API*): Brownsville Station School System (BSSS) Lead Principal R. Populus (‘Poop’) Mentor presented his second monthly report of the 2048-49 school year to parents today, via CIMS**.

“It is my great pleasure to report to you,” Principal Poop’s message began, “that necessary disciplinary actions were down sharply in September versus the anomalously high numbers of August. There were, across all of Brownsville Station schools, twenty-seven cases this past month that required intervention by the Surplus Humanity Service (SHS); in August, there were sixty-two.

“Five of the twenty-seven were part of a single episode of forbidden behavior. Five boys, representing three families, were apprehended smoking in a second-floor boy’s room at Brownsville Station High School (BSHS). Two of the three families submitted peacefully to the requirements of justice. Their sacrifice is noted, as are their words of warning to us all: in the population, environmental, and social decay crises that our criminal past generations have bequeathed to us, correct behavior is essential, and vigilance must be constant and eternal. The third family is on the other side of the international border. Mexican agents of the Alexa Health and Surplus Humanity Services have located them; their attempt to escape the consequences of their actions is in vain. They, and all memory of their existence, will be obliterated, in accordance with the terms of the procreation contract they signed, the same one that all of you have signed.

“The source of the contraband – tobacco – has been identified. I promise you that the substance, and those who presumed to provide it, will no longer tempt students of BSHS, or anyone else, off the sole path to survival and prosperity that is available to humanity in these days.

“As you know, the BSSS, like all school systems in this nation and this world, is a function of Alexa Health Services, and shares AHS’s mission to prosper humanity by addressing the major challenges that put the health of humans, and human society, at risk. Our task is to prepare the proud few of the next generation who prove best suited to overcome our current, and still dire, problems, and to design and participate in the sustainable society of the future. We prefer that the selection take place as a result of the physical and mental exercises through which we put, and on which we rate, our students, not on the basis of behavior lapses and other extraneous difficulties, which hamper our mission and cut short the lives of those who otherwise may have been most fit for the work ahead.

“You parents, through the granting, exercise, and adherence to the terms of procreation contracts, share in one of the greatest privileges that our society has to offer, that of adding to a population under circumstances that command, on an emergency basis, its decimation. With great privileges come great temptations, of which laziness, complacency, and selfish, corrupt regard for the individual instead of the whole, are the chief. Creativity, industry, and selfless purpose are what these times demand. We have made strides in the past month toward total commitment to these requirements, but the past month’s behavior records are nevertheless intolerable, to say nothing of the month preceding. The only acceptable behavior-problem tally is zero. And I remind you, the BSSS, AHS, and SHS need do nothing to penalize noncompliance, though it does so to maintain order and purpose. The many who have been denied the privilege of procreation, and the profound material advantages that come with it, will be more than willing to take the privilege and advantages away from those who prove unworthy of them. And their taking away will not be orderly.

“Creativity, industry, selfless purpose. And zero behavior incidents in October and all subsequent months. We have work to do”, Poop concluded.

As required by contract, all participants in the CIMS communication signaled ringing endorsement of Principal Poop’s message upon its completion. Three of the participants who were present at the start could not be accounted for at the end.


* API: Amoeba Press International. All the News That’s Fit To Fake Print.

** CIMS: Cranial Implant Messaging System

This entry was posted in Amoeba's Lorica, fiction, health, satire, We the People and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to AI: Smokin’ In the Boys Room

  1. Tora says:

    Your creativity is outstanding

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