Dude and Dude: The Lost Cause, Hawaiian Style

“A world premiere, dude?”

“Tha’s whut it sez, yeah?”

“Wit’ OC playin’ in it?!?

“Guess him an’ his trumpet ‘re comin’ up in tha world.”

“Yeauh huh. S’long as ya don’ listen too close, dude. Hope he don’ ruin it fer ’em.”

Yeesh! Not so damned loud, dude! Ya fergotten command-X?!?”

Control-X!! An’ have you fergotten what it’s like sufferin’ through his practice time?

“Um … no …”

“I’m wonderin’ how come tha neighbors an’ tha police hain’t tossed him an’ Quilly, not ta mention us, outa tha house yet on ‘count a it!”

“They’s still some grace an’ charity in tha world, dude. Ya lookin’ fer some otha explanation, I got nuthin’.”

“Yeah, speakin’ a explanations. What’s a kuam?

“Kuamo‘o, dude.”

“Dude, I dig tha ‘o‘o’ part. It’s a battle, a course it’s a uh oh! Ya ain’t answered my question!

“I ain’t sure it’s safe ta be talkin’ wit’ ya at all, dude! Kuamoo ain’t a what, it’s a where. Not too far from tha house what OC’s tryin’ ta get us thrown out of with’ his practicin’, next ta one a tha big hotels. It’s where tha last big fight in tha Hawaiian Islands happened afore World War II, an’ it’s where lots of tha dudes an’ chicks what died in that fight are buried.”

“Dudes an’ whut?

“Ya heard me.”

“Collateral damage?”

“They had weapons in their hands, dude.”

“Like, when was this??”

“December 1819. A’most ‘zactly two centuries ago.”

“Rad. I ain’t sure this computes. Women didn’ fight wars back then, did they?”

“King Kamehameha had a whole company a chick musketeers. Used ’em ta win tha Battle a Nuuanu on Oahu, tha battle what pretty much set him up as tha first King a Hawaii.”

“An’ this King a Hawaii had, like, a equal rights amendment?

“Um …. no. Actually, that’s kinda sorta what this whole Kuamoo thingy was about.”

“Ya’d better start ‘splainin’ quick like, ’cause I’m gettin’ a brain cramp here.”

“I’ll do whut I can, dude. No guarantees, yeah? If’n I’m gettin’ this, then, afore 1819, Hawaii had like this kapu thing goin’, an’ it was pretty strict.”

“Like, ya c’ld get in trouble if’n ya looked at tha king cross-eyed ‘r somethin’?”

“Dude, ya c’ld get dead if’n ya looked at tha king at all!

Yeesh! So if’n ya broke kapu, ya’d be kaput?

“Riiight. Under kapu, dude, cracks like that would be positively sacrificial.”

Human sacrificial?!?”


“Ew. Chicks same as dudes?”

“Worse. Of course. Under somethin’ called ai kapu, chicks an’ dudes couldn’t eat togetha, and there was stuff tha chicks couldn’t eat at all. Like pork, coconuts, most kinds a bananas, some kinds a fish. Tha chicks couldn’t even touch enny part a tha coconut palm tree!”

“Wait, what? I thought they all had coconut bras!”

“No coconuts, dude. No bras.”

“No bras …”

“Ya listenin’ ‘r what?”

“Well, stop distractin’ me, dude!”

“Three words, dude.”


In yer dreams. Ennyway. Tha Twitter version is, in 1819, Kamehameha died, an’ tha new King an’ his mother an’ regent, both wives of Kamehameha, banned tha kapu tradition. An’ this noble dude an’ his wife got pissed, vowed to reinstate tha status quo ante, and led a revolt ‘gainst tha King an’ his handlers. At tha Battle a Kuamoo, tha rebels got smacked, tha leaders, dude and chick alike, got snuffed, and tha kapu thingy went down, nevah to return. In 1820, missionaries from New England arrived, and the rest is …”

Confusin’! Yer tellin’ me that tha new King actually wanted ta end a system that was, like, beatin’ down on women an’, sounds like, just ’bout everyone else not a mighty high-class muckety-muck, an’ some jackass hauled off an’ started a war ta keep it?!?”

“Well, endin’ kapu had this kinda convenient side-effect a makin’ tha King stronger an’ tha rest a tha Hawaiian nobility weaker. Which prob’ly helped piss off tha rebels. But othawise, yeah.”

“Right. So what was tha name a this rebel dude? Robert E. Lee?

“I don’ think so, dude …”

“Why not? Tha US of A elected a President what wanted ta end slavery a African Americans, an’ Lee an’ his peeps damn near wrecked tha place tryin’ ta make sure them blacks stayed slaves! This Hawaiian dude …”


“Yeah, him. He damned near wrecked tha place tryin’ ta make sure tha women stayed where they’s supposed ta an’ got seaweed ta eat! What’s tha diff? Yeah, tha Hawaiian rebel lost, an’ it wuz a disaster fer his cause. It was a disaster fer tha slave plantations in Georgia too. What freaks me out is that they got women ta go along wit’ this!”

“An’ this is diff’rent from women in tha US taday, like in tha fundamentalist churches specially in tha red states, ‘zactly how? Tell ya somethin’ else that ain’t diff’rent, that tha rebels a tha Confederacy an’ tha rebels under Kekuaokalani shared.”

“Besides that they’re famous, an’ that peeps ‘r celebratin’ them bein’ famous wit’out thinkin’ ’bout what they wuz famous for?”

“They died nobly, dude. Ya see any peeps pissin’ an’ moanin’ ’bout Trump who’re dyin’ fer the cause, nobly ‘r othawise?”


“Guess they don’t really mean it then, do they?”


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1 Response to Dude and Dude: The Lost Cause, Hawaiian Style

  1. Quilly says:

    Amoeba is a good trumpet player — evidenced by the fact that the neighbors LIKE listening to him practice and other people PAY him to play. Dudes don’t need to worry about OC getting them evicted from the house, they might have to worry about me exercising control x. They need to show a little respect for the person supporting them.

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