Amoeba’s Lorica: The Best Lack All Conviction

In an undisclosed location, and with a national convention deadline looming, the candidate for President of the United States interviews yet another prospect for the Vice Presidency …

Presidential Candidate: “So, when we win the election and enter the White House …”

Interviewee: “You will do nothing of the kind.”

PC: “Say what?”

I:Black Lives Matter! You should be ashamed of your fascist color, paleface! If we win this election, it will be because we have finally convinced enough of the people of this nation who matter to rise up against the oppression that is all that the color ‘white’ means to us. And has meant to us in particular these past four years, while you melanin-deficient cretins sucked up to the walking disaster you elected and counted your blood money! You will acknowledge your debt to us by removing the name White House from official documentation, and removing the oppressive color ‘white’ from the building itself.”

PC: “That is hardly a fair …”

I: “Right. How many Cabinet post nominees did you toadies defeat? How many businesses did you force into bankruptcy for their support of the regime and its racist policies? What kind of a joke was that useless impeachment publicity stunt you tried to pull over on us? You have no cred whatsoever, and no business talking to me about what’s fair.”

PC: “Very well. What do you recommend that we do with the exterior of the Executive Mansion?”

I: “Mansion? Mansion, massa?”

PC: “That is its longstanding official designation.”

I: “‘Its official designation’. White racism and male chauvinism. It totally fits. I recommend the same thing for the exterior of the place as the interior. We raze the disgusting monument to plantation aristocracy the same way we raze all the other monuments to white male filth. We fill the grounds with tiny houses for the homeless, and declare that so long as any have to live in them due to our country’s intolerable history of abuse, we will live there ourselves.”

PC: “And you think we will be able to conduct the nation’s business from there?”

I:I will be. Can’t speak for you.”

PC: “Very well. Thank you for your time. The campaign will be in touch.”

I: “I bet it will. Ptui!![Exit]

Campaign Manager [pokes head in door]: “I take it that’s another ‘no'”.

PC: “Correct.”

CM: “Only two weeks to the convention.”

PC: “Thank you for your attention to detail, O Bringer of Doom.”

CM: “I didn’t think a man of your age needed to be warned against binding yourself to promises you can’t keep. Makes winning the election harder.”

PC: “Maybe I don’t really care. Is this election worth winning?”

CM: “That, I can’t answer. But we’ve committed ourselves to trying.”

PC: “Yeah. ‘Committed’ may be exactly the right word for it.”

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