Amoeba’s Lorica: Hawaii Island Tourist Warning

HILO, HAWAI‘I (API*): Urgent public safety notification issued this date by Hawai‘i County Civil Defense.


We’re doing OK here on Hawai‘i Island right now with COVID cases, but we watch in horror as the rest of the country spikes, including our neighbor island O‘ahu, and wonder how long it will be before COVID resurges here as well.

Persons planning on visiting Hawai‘i Island need to know that the 14-day mandatory quarantine for all arrivals in the State of Hawai‘i is still in place, and has been extended indefinitely. Prospective visitors should also be aware of these additional circumstances, which apply island-wide.

LITTLE FIRE ANTS have taken the opportunity provided by the COVID-19 shutdown to invade lodgings throughout the state, including hotels, resorts, and AirBnB locations. The massive scale of the invasion has made eradication, and even mitigation, efforts ineffective.

COQUI FROGS are present in high density everywhere, and the volume of their peeping exceeds 100 decibels throughout the night in most locations. Any persons able to sleep through this racket are awakened, frequently and at irregular intervals, by the shrieks of the PUEO, which have also massively multiplied. ROOSTERS and FRANCOLIN QUAIL assure that all remaining sleepers are out of bed an hour before dawn, which is between 5 and 6AM year round in our state.

CENTIPEDES are abundant in all homes, and in public places both indoors and outdoors. Individuals more than three feet long have been observed. In the more heavily infested areas, infants and toddlers have been disappearing from cradles and cribs.

The mystery of flying HEAD and BODY LICE has been solved by University of Hawai‘i at Hilo research demonstrating hybridization of the lice with MOSQUITOES, thus exposing Hawai‘i Island residents to a much greater risk of TYPHUS as well as YELLOW FEVER, MALARIA, and DENGUE FEVER.

Out on the water, BILLFISH have been storming tour boats, serving notices of criminal trespass and presenting their operators with past-due bills for the incurred fines. The action has driven several boat owners into bankruptcy, while others, thrown overboard, have been eaten by SHARKS attracted to the commotion.

We are aware that a number of tourist operations, concerned for the safety of their bank accounts, have been lobbying against travel restrictions and minimizing the risk to vacationers of flocking to our island. Their messages are fake news. We advise you, for your own self-care and the care of your loved ones, to stay home, wherever home is, where it is safe, or at least you are familiar with the hazards that you face. DO NOT COME TO HAWAI‘I.

Thank you for your attention. This is your Hawai‘i County Civil Defense.


* API = Amoeba Press International. All the News That’s Fit To Fake Print.

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5 Responses to Amoeba’s Lorica: Hawaii Island Tourist Warning

  1. Quilly says:

    Iʻm assuming you didnʻt tell them about the yodeling roosters because they canʻt be heard over the Francolin Quail anyway, however, you really should have mentioned the Java Finch gangs protecting their territories so diligently that itʻs pretty easy to believe they really are hyped up on Java.

    • Amoeba says:

      I reckon, Quilly, that the Java Finches have, so far, only mobbed the doves, and have left the humans be, kama`aina and tourists alike. However, if they start glowering en masse down on Tippi Hedren lookalikes walking down the street, run!

  2. Melli says:

    Seems to me you should invite the tourists and quarantine the wildlife!!! And why you got no Bubonic Plague squirrels runnin’ rampant?

    • Amoeba says:

      Melli, the wildlife police are far more effective at preventing the entry of invasive animals than the human police are at preventing the entry of invasive people.

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