Too Close For Comfoot

“What’s that, dude?”

“A glass of water and a paper napkin, dude.”

“That’s all, dude? Don’t they give you anythin’ to eat on this airplane?”

“Nope.”

“Not even peanuts?

“They don’t give ya nothin’ these days, dude. ‘Course, you c’n buy one o’ their plastic sandwiches for 10 bucks.”

“I don’t think so, dude. Is that writin’ on the napkin?”

“Yea …Hey! You tryin’ to dump that water in my lap, dude? That’s a napkin, not a tablecloth!

“I wanted to read it, dude! … Opt to sit farther from your feet. What the hell does that mean?”

“Believe me, dude, I’d like to sit farther from your feet. Pee-yew! I don’t know how you stand it.”

No way, dude! Not with this dude’s seat back about half an inch from my nose – to say nothin’ about how far away it is from my knees – an’ the cabin roof not that much farther away from my head. If I try to stand, I’ll knock the plane over!”

“Not.”

“But, seriously, dude! They make these seat spaces any tighter, you will be sniffin’ your feet the whole time, ’cause your legs’ll hafta be tucked underneath ya and your toes will be up ’round your ears. Why is that?”

“B’cause you’re a cheap …”

Watch it, dude!”

“Nyah, nyah. Not even Pacquiao could throw a punch in that space, and you ain’t him. B’sides. You are cheap. How much you pay for that ticket?”

“As little as possible. Same as you.”

“So the airline ain’t makin’ any money off you.”

“Yeah? The ramen for lunch ‘n’ dinner every day for the next month tells me they’re makin’ plenty, dude.”

“Well, dude, the investors who’re pullin’ their cash outa the airline’s stocks b’cause they see what you’re payin’ think they ain’t makin’ plenty. You tell me who matters more.”

“So?”

“So they charge you extra for your bag. They got you comin’ and goin’ there, ’cause you can’t take what you need in carryons ’cause the TSA thinks everythin’s a bomb an’ won’t let you take it on the plane, an’ the airlines have cut the carryon space down to nothin’ anyhow. They charge you extra for your food. They charge you extra for the headsets for the movie.

“An’ they make the seats tighter and tighter ’til you can’t hardly stand it no more unless you’re a dwarf, an’ then they start in with these cute little slogans like sit farther from your feet that say ‘Here, you can have your space back. But you gotta pay extra!’

“Dude?”

“Yeah?”

“Tell me again how come we can’t get where we’re goin’, like, online?

“One word, dude.”

“Yeah?”

Moo.”

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