For the general public, [19th and early 20th century] patent medicines presented an affordable and easily accessible alternative to medical care. In contrast, medical treatment by doctors was often costly, and many individuals could not afford it. Furthermore, numerous people lived in remote areas where access to doctors was limited. Patent medicines appealed to consumers because they could be ordered through the
internetmail, and kits of medicines for common ailments were available. – Oregon Health and Science University
MANAUS, Brazil (API*): This gateway city to South America’s Amazon Rainforest is bristling with guns at this hour. A strong multinational joint military operation, the MWHA Expeditionary Force, is preparing to enter the rainforest and clear the way for the hordes of humans that are targeting the world’s last remaining snake habitat. Factory ships clog the Port of Manaus in anticipation of turning a bountiful snake harvest into oil to meet the overwhelming popular demand for snake-oil-based health and beauty aids.
A renegade force consisting primarily of radical militant factions of the former Sierra Club and laid-off scientists, physicians, and administrators from the former US National Institutes of Health have vowed to stop the snake harvest. Drone strikes and sabotage attempts, apparently directed at elements of the MWHA EF and at the snake harvesting/processing infrastructure, have met with indifferent success, commonly missing targets and causing collateral damage, infuriating local residents. Expeditionary Force commanding General, Alexis Haig, dismissed the rebel force and its ineffective actions to date, saying:
Those who would presume to oppose the Will of the People with force need to be sure that they have mastered their tools. They have not, they had previously forsworn them, and now it is too late for them. We will wipe them off the path of progress, we will help them kiss their own asses goodbye. We move out in the morning, and expect our campaign to be swift and sure.
A reporter for API who asked Haig what would happen to the industry after all the snakes were gone has not been heard from for three days. A speaker for the Expeditionary Force offered thoughts and prayers, but no assistance in locating her.
In other news, the embattled traditional-health cult Médicins Sans Frontières has reported the extermination of a team sent to the headwaters of the Congo River to investigate claims of a smallpox outbreak. A speaker for MWHA accused the team of attempting to force the banned “vaccination” procedure on citizens in the outbreak zone. “Their deaths are on their own heads”, the speaker asserted. “We will address the problem in a way that actually assists the population, instead of filling the bursting coffers of extortionate science-medicine practitioners – as soon as snake oil from the Amazonian operation becomes available. In the meantime, those who survive this outbreak will be stronger and healthier. Make the World Healthy Again!”
Reports from the scene, smuggled to API, claim that the force sent against the MsF physicians was led by a woman in a white lab coat named Alexa, who was accompanied by burly black-clad apparitions bearing the emblem of a “Surplus Humanity Service“.
* API: Amoeba Press International. All Fake News. Always. As You Like It.