Amoeba’s Lorica: Can’tabis

ISSAQUAH, Washington, 13 August 2078 (API*): Residents in this pleasant Seattle suburb, nestled in the foothills of the Cascade Mountains, are in an uproar today over new and tough anti-smoking ordinances.

The ordinances, adopted by the City Council by a 4-3 vote after lengthy deliberations, and announced this morning in a press conference by Mayor SueAnthony Steinem, ban smoking of cannabis products (marijuana or hemp, paperwrap or vape) in public places, prohibit sales of such products in vending machines or other unattended facilities such as supermarket shelves, strengthen existing prohibitions against sale of such products to minors and males, and provide for stiff penalties against businesses that permit cannabis smoking except in designated areas, well away from buildings. Issaquah is the first community in the Pacific Northwest to adopt such ordinances, which are becoming more prevalent in other regions of the North American Union.

Local anti-smoking campaigner Mary Jane Weed held her own press conference shortly after the mayor’s, and said, “This step is long overdue, for Issaquah and all of Cascadia. The rest of North America is finally recognizing what science has been telling us for decades now, about how long-term chronic myrcene exposure, from cannabis smoke, causes liver and kidney dysfunction, allergic reactions, hormone imbalances, and dog knows what else. Why are we lagging? There is no justification for exposing any unwilling citizen of Cascadia to any of this vile-smelling second-hand air pollution. And before you start tuning up, my parents were potheads, OK?!? The name got your attention, so listen up! Your health, and the health of your children, is at stake!” When asked about the impact of products such as filtered paperwraps and reduced-myrcene whole cannabis and extracts, Weed responded, “Do your homework. Joint smokers will tell you, up close and personal, that the low-myrcene weed won’t get a fly high. Both marijuana and hemp users have to smoke more to get the same effects! Great for the cannabis business, lousy for your health and mine! Away with cannabis!”

Issaquah Chamber of Commerce President Roberta Kirkland released a statement: “We deplore this unwarranted attack by the Mayor and Council of Issaquah against a legal and coveted class of products, and against the livelihoods of our members, in craven submission to a despicable propaganda campaign. Our elected representatives will be reminded of the fact, this coming November, that they represent all the people of this community, not just the noisy few, and especially the people who actually pay the taxes that pay their salaries.” Among the first to ‘like’ and retweet this statement was Cascadia Cannabis Coop head Georgina Hash.

A speaker for the Market Worker Union, R. Deborah Oliver, said, “The Mayor’s statement today is a slap in the face to our membership, essentially declaring that our surveillance and management techniques are inadequate for the safe and efficient operation of open shelves, in either ignorance or blatant disregard of the evidence. Once again, we question whether humans, with their emotional swings from one ridiculous fad to another, have the intellectual capacity to govern our increasingly complex society.”

In response to an interviewer question, Elder Ally Neville I. Chamberlain, age 79, said, “I remember how my grandfather was telling me, as a young boy – I suppose I’ll have to explain to you young people what a ‘grandfather’ and a ‘boy’ was, if anyone cares – what it was like when this cannabis stuff became all the rage. ‘Fantastic stuff, cures what ails you, cures the planet, they all said. So they’ll get everyone hooked on it, and then they’ll find something devastatingly wrong with it, and have to spend time and money, and get into big fights, trying to get everyone off it again!’ Well, here we are.”

In other news, teams from the Washington State, Cascadia, and North American Union Drug Enforcement Agencies announced the detection and destruction of 1,274 hectares of illegal tobacco crops in Washington during July. The Washington chapter of NORNL (North american union Organization for the Reform of Nicotiana Laws) sharply criticized the action, citing recents studies that showed contributions of tobacco alkaloids to supporting liver and kidney health, to preventing obesity, and to improving workplace awareness and alertness.

[* API = Amoeba Press International]

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