TSA Jack: Curtains

¡Hola, Manuel!”

¡Ho … ah, Hi, Jack!”

“Almost forgot yerself, huh? You guys got some kind a’ conspiracy goin’ or somethin’?”

Really, Jack! What the hell would I know about no conspiracies?

“Yeah right. Speakin’ a’ which, how’s the line?”

“Smooth, boss. Real smooth. Not a peep noplace. Hell, they even believe us when we tell ’em we delete their nudie pics right away.”

“But, Manuel, we do! We’re public servants, we gotta tell the truth. ‘Course, what they don’t know ’bout the cloud won’t hurt ’em. And does help us. Nyuk nyuk.”

“Yeah, but I worry ’bout them ‘mail it back’ kiosks cuttin’ into our trade, y’hear me?”

“Manuel! Ya hurt me! Y’can’t think for a minute that I’d miss so simple a trick as that?

“Oh. They’re us, then.”

“They’re what?

“They’re … ya know, it’s awful loud in here. I can’t hear a word yer sayin’.”

” ‘S OK. Occupational hazard.”

“So what else ain’t I s’posed t’be hearin’?”

“Hmmm … fer a little guy ya got a big nose, y’know that?”

“Just another interested shareholder, Jack.”

“Uh huh. Just remember, hombre, that when shareholders blab, I hear. And then neither of us is happy.”

“Trust me, Jack, I like my skin at least as much as my dividends.”

“OK, then. It’s about curtains.”

We’re not wrappin’ up the scam?!? Is the heat onto us?”

“As if we don’t pwn the heat.”

“We don’t what?

“Never mind. No, we’re not wrappin’ up. I’m talkin’ ’bout real curtains. The ones on the plane. You know, they separate the fat cattle from the skinny ones.”

“Some o’ dem ain’t so skinny …”

“Y’ain’t lookin’ in the right places. Try their wallets. Anyway. We got the terminals pretty much locked down. We need ta get the action onto the planes themselves. So we put the curtain up an’ tell the skinny moos they can’t go past it. Security, we tell ’em. Of course we would. Security my fat ass. It’s all about class, not safety. Remindin’ the mob in ‘economy’ that they signed up for steerage and they’re goin’ ta get steerage. Includin’ when it comes to the lavatories.”

“That sounds pretty crappy.”

“Especially when ya gotta take one. An’ you can’t go to the lavs in the front o’ the plane ’cause that’s for the fat cows. So we train ’em to go to the back. Too bad we don’t got too many old black people left no more. They’d a’ gone to the back automatically.”

“Some of us remember those days, gringo.”

“Watch yer mouth. Remember them dividends ya say ya like so much. Ya don’t like what goes in the sausage, keep yer schnozz outa the kitchen. Shall I go on?”

“Yeah. Go on.”

“So now we take a page outa the airlines book. Y’know, how they charge ya f’r ever’thin’ from a pack a’ peanuts on up. We gotta keep things clean an’ secure, right?”

“Right …?”

“Yer in coach, ya gotta pay ta use the lavs.”


“Airlines get a cut, we get a cut. Win win.”

“Yer gonna get some people who try to, ah, hold out.”

“Mess up yer seat, ya pay double full fare. They’ll go where, and when, they gotta.”

Man, Jack. That there’s a load!

“Ya betcha, Manuel. Ka-ching!

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3 Responses to TSA Jack: Curtains

  1. Doug says:

    This is one of those things I’m trying not to think about.

  2. Doug says:

    Yeah, no kidding.

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