Amoeba’s Lorica: Junta

A work of fiction. Any resemblances to real persons, places, and events are … What is reality? I dunno. Why is reality …?

Anderson Cooper of CNN has been ushered into a private office in the White House, to meet with White House Chief of Staff John F. Kelly.

Anderson Cooper: “Good morning, Gen. Kelly. I’m here, as you know, to negotiate terms with the President for the exclusive interview we’re trying to set up with him. I look forward to seeing him. I think.”

John Kelly: “Thank you, Mr. Cooper. A lot of folks have that reaction when they’re confronted with the prospect of meeting me. I find that most useful.”

Cooper: “Um …”

Kelly: “Yes. You requested a meeting with the President. I am he.”

Cooper:But where is Mr. Trump?!?

Kelly: “Mr. Cooper, I am a Marine. I have seen, and served with, a lot of rough men. I have seen, and served with, a lot of stupid men. But I have never seen such a combination of rough and dumb in my life, never mind been assigned to hold the hand of such a one. It was my hardest service ever, and one that I saw was endangering my country still more than my person. When Mr. Trump blew through the Secret Service budget, we engaged Marines to take their places in his personal bodyguard. I trust I need say no more.”

Cooper: “But the tweets keep coming!

Kelly: “I said, did I not, that I was assigned to hold his hand? Of course I got access to his Twitter account!”

Cooper:So that explains how come those tweets got sensible all of a sudden!

Kelly: “Which got your attention and brought you here. Thank you. For the compliment and the intel. Of course, we still have to send out the occasional idiotic Trumpism, in the hopes that we only have a few people like you who catch on and make us deal with them.”

Cooper: “Do I want to know, then, how come Mr Trump is still making personal appearances, and we see his family conducting business as usual? Surely if Mr Trump were, ahem, in custody …”

Kelly: “Hm. You disappoint me. I should have thought that, given our 40-plus year history of electing actors to our highest political offices, you would have expected us to have learned a thing or three. Mabel, send Stan in, would you please? (Stan enters the room.) Ah, there you are. Say Hi, Anderson Cooper.”

Stan (Cooper’s Double): “Hi, Anderson Cooper.”

Cooper: “Oh .. my ..”

Kelly: “Thank you. Dismissed. (Stan leaves.) I am confident that Stan here will do an excellent job convincing your audience that he’s you, and will do an equally excellent job of steering media conversations in directions favorable to us. Like, for instance, keeping the Clinton vs Sanders squabble going until people have forgotten that any other political issues exist, thus keeping potential opponents entertained and out of our way.”

Cooper: “Don’t tell me …”

Kelly: “That we’ve already replaced members of Congress and the Judiciary with our agents? OK, I won’t tell you. But remember, most people in the US have no clue who their representatives are, have certainly never met them, and we could probably substitute orangutans for them and our fellow citizens would report, if anything, an improvement. So how would citizens know that their representatives had been replaced, even if we were clumsy about it? Especially if we have command of the likes of you!

Cooper: “So you and Gen. Mattis …”

Kelly: “And others … Joint Chiefs, I guess you could say.”

Cooper: “… are now running the United States of America.”

Kelly: “And God grant that we have acted in time to save it.”

Cooper: “Sounds to me like it’s already too late.”

Kelly: “We know that’s what you’d think. That’s why you’re here now.”

Cooper: “And …?”

Kelly: “That’s for us to know, and you to find out. And tell no one about.”

Cooper: “Oy.”

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