Screwtape The Third: H.E.L.L.’s Greatest Invention


“Yes, Master Screwtape?”

We invented science?!?

“Oh. That. You’ve heard about our Georgia congressman, then.”

“I thought they were all ours!”

“In your nightmares, sir. We do all we can, and lately we have been doing rather well, but the (ptui!) Adversary is still in the field. Hence the Honorable (ahem) Dr. Broun.”


“Well, sir, as you must have found out or you wouldn’t have called me, Representative Broun has released a Youtube video advising that science in general, and the theory of evolution in particular, is produced exclusively by Hadean Estates Luxurious Living, LLLC. In fact, he lists science among our most significant exports. Which, of course, he says, we use to further our goal of universal eternal damnation.”

“He has that part right. If only we had invented science, we’d have designed it so it did the damnation part one heaven of a lot more efficiently!

“We can only play the hand we’re burnt, sir. As you know. It would take the wind out of Representative Broun’s sails if he knew that we got our technology from Microsoft just like every other business. Our alchemists still haven’t figured out how to turn base metals into gold. Never mind send pictures over the Internet.”

“Like our agent – I presume he’s our agent – Broun does with his Youtube stuff? I mean, using science to bring down a culture based on science is a trick based on one of the most elementary strategies in the Tempter’s Handbook.”

“He is indeed our agent, sir. But – and this is the best part – he sells himself as an agent of the (ptui!) Adversary! He may even believe himself that he serves Yawhozits up there.”

“Which will drive all the ‘smart’ people away from him and into their own little corners, where we can pick them off one by one and get them to buy into our real business, which is selling them our (heh, heh) choice properties. And Broun will deliver the rest in case lots. Wormsap, this is deviltry at its finest!”

“Thank you, sir.”

“Grandfather will be most pleased when I tell him what I’ve done. He might even recommend me to Lucifer himself!”

“I figured as much, sir.”

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