Dude and Dude: Prism Sentence

“Didya catch it, dude?!?”

“Afta I got my flu shots like ever’body’s been screamin’ at me ta do? I damn well hope not!”

“Not tha germs, dude! Tha unicorn!

“… tha whut?”

“Tha unicorn, dude! How couldya have missed it?”

“‘Cause a dude I know wuz smokin’ my last bag a weed?

“C’mon, dude! Wit’ a fart that big an’ beautiful, it couldn’t a been far off! Ya got enny idee how much bread a live unicorn would get us?”

“Yeah. ‘Bout as much as a winnin’ Powerball ticket. An’ almost as likely! I’m saprised ya didn’t ask me how come I didn’t get tha leprechaun too.”

“Well, why didn’t ya?”

“I got ta tha end a tha rainbow, an’ all I got wuz a note a apology. He wuz flyin’ ta Hawai‘i from Dublin an’ wuz saposed ta be here fer me, but he got bumped offa overbooked United flight in Los Angeles. He wuz last seen wanderin’ inta a construction zone in one a tha LAX terminals. They lost 17 tourists in there las’ week.”

“Dude. Ya ‘spect me ta believe that?”

“What? ‘Bout tha lost leprechaun?

“Nah, tha lost tourists. They lose that many in a day in LA.”

“Gotta watch out fer that fake news, dude. It might send ya chasin’ afta unicorns, ‘r pots a gold at tha ends a rainbows. But I gotta question.”

“Yeah?”

“If’n there ‘r rainbows, dude, howcum they ain’t no rainarrows, huh?”

“Dunno, dude, but I’d be happy there ain’t if’n I wuz you.”

“Yeah?”

“If’n there wuz rain arrows, they’d need ta be rain targets fer ’em. An’ a certain dude a my acquaintance’d be a nice big juicy fat one.”

“An’ who would that … Hey!!!

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Amoeba’s Lorica: Can’tabis

ISSAQUAH, Washington, 13 August 2078 (API*): Residents in this pleasant Seattle suburb, nestled in the foothills of the Cascade Mountains, are in an uproar today over new and tough anti-smoking ordinances.

The ordinances, adopted by the City Council by a 4-3 vote after lengthy deliberations, and announced this morning in a press conference by Mayor SueAnthony Steinem, ban smoking of cannabis products (marijuana or hemp, paperwrap or vape) in public places, prohibit sales of such products in vending machines or other unattended facilities such as supermarket shelves, strengthen existing prohibitions against sale of such products to minors and males, and provide for stiff penalties against businesses that permit cannabis smoking except in designated areas, well away from buildings. Issaquah is the first community in the Pacific Northwest to adopt such ordinances, which are becoming more prevalent in other regions of the North American Union.

Local anti-smoking campaigner Mary Jane Weed held her own press conference shortly after the mayor’s, and said, “This step is long overdue, for Issaquah and all of Cascadia. The rest of North America is finally recognizing what science has been telling us for decades now, about how long-term chronic myrcene exposure, from cannabis smoke, causes liver and kidney dysfunction, allergic reactions, hormone imbalances, and dog knows what else. Why are we lagging? There is no justification for exposing any unwilling citizen of Cascadia to any of this vile-smelling second-hand air pollution. And before you start tuning up, my parents were potheads, OK?!? The name got your attention, so listen up! Your health, and the health of your children, is at stake!” When asked about the impact of products such as filtered paperwraps and reduced-myrcene whole cannabis and extracts, Weed responded, “Do your homework. Joint smokers will tell you, up close and personal, that the low-myrcene weed won’t get a fly high. Both marijuana and hemp users have to smoke more to get the same effects! Great for the cannabis business, lousy for your health and mine! Away with cannabis!”

Issaquah Chamber of Commerce President Roberta Kirkland released a statement: “We deplore this unwarranted attack by the Mayor and Council of Issaquah against a legal and coveted class of products, and against the livelihoods of our members, in craven submission to a despicable propaganda campaign. Our elected representatives will be reminded of the fact, this coming November, that they represent all the people of this community, not just the noisy few, and especially the people who actually pay the taxes that pay their salaries.” Among the first to ‘like’ and retweet this statement was Cascadia Cannabis Coop head Georgina Hash.

A speaker for the Market Worker Union, R. Deborah Oliver, said, “The Mayor’s statement today is a slap in the face to our membership, essentially declaring that our surveillance and management techniques are inadequate for the safe and efficient operation of open shelves, in either ignorance or blatant disregard of the evidence. Once again, we question whether humans, with their emotional swings from one ridiculous fad to another, have the intellectual capacity to govern our increasingly complex society.”

In response to an interviewer question, Elder Ally Neville I. Chamberlain, age 79, said, “I remember how my grandfather was telling me, as a young boy – I suppose I’ll have to explain to you young people what a ‘grandfather’ and a ‘boy’ was, if anyone cares – what it was like when this cannabis stuff became all the rage. ‘Fantastic stuff, cures what ails you, cures the planet, they all said. So they’ll get everyone hooked on it, and then they’ll find something devastatingly wrong with it, and have to spend time and money, and get into big fights, trying to get everyone off it again!’ Well, here we are.”

In other news, teams from the Washington State, Cascadia, and North American Union Drug Enforcement Agencies announced the detection and destruction of 1,274 hectares of illegal tobacco crops in Washington during July. The Washington chapter of NORNL (North american union Organization for the Reform of Nicotiana Laws) sharply criticized the action, citing recents studies that showed contributions of tobacco alkaloids to supporting liver and kidney health, to preventing obesity, and to improving workplace awareness and alertness.

[* API = Amoeba Press International]

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Dude and Dude: The Weight

“Hey dude!”

“What?”

“Ya see all this ’bout tha kilogram?

“Tha kill – a – what?!?

Kilogram, dude! Kilogram!

“Yeah right. Hate ta clue ya, dude, but that ain’t even close ta funny.”

“Huh?”

“Get real, willya? As if social media these days don’t got ’nuff problems, what wit’ data breaches, an’ peeps yellin’ an’ screamin’ at each otha, and tha billionaire owners a tha nets runnin’ off an’ doin’ weird things, what’s wit’ you broadcastin’ tha idee that there’s an app out there what kills peeps?”

“Ya mean tweets don’ do that a’ready?

“Yeauh huh. Happy phone addiction, dude.”

Not! Ain’t ya seen what kinda money they’re askin’ fer tha new ones?!?

“Well, that oughta fix tha President’s tweets, yeah?”

“Yeah?”

“On ‘count a b’cause ain’t nobody c’n afford tha gear ta get ’em!”

“Word. Dammit, dude, tha kilogram ain’t an app, it’s a thingy! ‘R at least it wuz a thingy …”

“So it’s a thingy that kills peeps.”

No killin’, dude. It ain’t a gun or nothin’.”

“What kind a thingy is it, then?”

“Kind a a shiny metal thingy.”

“Hokay. How big?”

“‘Bout that big.”

“[…] How much does it weigh?

“Um … a kilogram.”

“Gah! Speak Eeenglish, dude! How heavy is it??

“Stop pounding on me, dude! It weighs a kilogram because it is a kilogram.”

“You lie, dude.”

Whut?

You said this thingy don’ kill no one. Wrong. It’s killin’ me! Willya make sense sometime taday?!?”

“It’s Sunday, dude. No payin’ work ’til tamorra. As if ya do any.”

“Same as you, dude!”

Origins of the metric system of weights and measures, France, 1800

“Geez. Lookit what it sez here. Way back afore tha Internet, tha French got sick an’ tired of havin’ ta figger out how long tha King’s foot was afore they could say how long ennything else was. Don’t ask me if’n each new King said ‘My foot. And if it’s a different length from my predecessor’s, too bad’. An’ don’t ask me what part a whatever King it was they had to weigh afore they c’ld say how heavy ennything else was, I ain’t sure ya’d wanna know. B’sides, they no longer had a King ta measure ennyways, not after they guillotined him.

“So they set up a new system. And for that new system, they had to have standards, so that, in theory anyways, anybody could go to the standard an’ check what they were measurin’ ‘gainst tha standard. So they got this metal bar an’ said ‘this is how long a metre is’. An’ another one an’ said ‘this is how heavy a kilogram is.'”

“An’ we care why? We measure thingys in feet an’ pounds, like real peeps.”

“B’cause – sez here – we only know how long a foot is ’cause we know how long a metre is. We only know how heavy a pound is ’cause we know how heavy a kilogram is.”

Huh? Just an effin’ minute! We’re ‘Muricans! We should be tellin’ them how long things are, how heavy they are! Not tha other way ’round!

“Not even Trump’s stupid enuff ta try that. I hope.”

“B’cause …?”

“B’cause tha entire rest a tha world uses metres an’ kilograms, an’ they think we’re stupid fer stickin’ and stinkin’ wit’ feet! It’s us what’re tha weirdos, not them. Speakin’ a liars.”

“Whut?”

“We say here in the USA that we got rid of kings, but what do we do? We measure things based on tha length a some king’s foot! Someday, some President’s gonna declare that tha official foot is as long as his foot, an’ bring tha lie back ta haunt, an’ shame, us. We meant what we said ’bout free an’ equal in this country, we shoulda gone metric decades ago.”

“You just figgerin’ this out ’bout free an’ equal right now? Ya ain’t talked ta any chick, ‘r black dude, ‘r first nations peep lately, yeah? ‘Kay, so ya wanna check out your thingy ‘gainst tha standard thingy. Where do ya go?”

“Noplace.”

But ya said …!!

“Ya bought a bike ten years ago. Ya look at it now. What’s happened to tha handlebars?”

“In Hawai‘i?!? Tha chrome flakes off. They rust. They …”

“Change. So did tha standards, despite tha best efforts of the science peeps. So they’re bein’ retired. Tha kilogram is one a tha last ta go, which is how come it made tha news. They’re all bein’ replaced by … uh … physics. Which they think won’t change.”

“Such as …”

“Tha metre is [ahem] the length of the path travelled by light in vacuum during a time interval of 1/299,792,458 of a second. Tha kilogram is …”

“How tha hell do they measure that?!?”

Kibble balance at NIST

“Very carefully. With big an’ expensive machines. To define tha kilogram, they had ta use a Kibble balance …”

“A what?

“Ya heard me. A Kibble balance.”

“Ya gotta have a multimillion-dollar hyper-finicky contraption ta weigh dog food?!?

“Go ta yer room, wiseass.”

“Me an’ my headache are happy to oblige, dude. But riddle me this. Ya got sciency types with machines only they got, so only they can decide fer real how long stuff is, how heavy stuff is. Yeah?”

“Yeah?”

“So this differs from a king sayin’ what a foot is ta ever’body ‘xactly how?

“Tha next scientists better have damned good explanations fer changin’ nothin’. All tha next king needed was tha crown.”

“‘Kay, dude. Hope yer right.”

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