Reg and Syd: The Pipelines Must Flow

Posted on February 14, 2012 by Amoeba

“Sydney! You look like you got a rock for Valentine’s Day.”

“My wife still loves me, Reg. I think. She’s in Queensland at the moment, taking a summer holiday. No, my publicity and environmental departments keep peppering me with information on environmental activist activities that they think will hurt our business.”

“Such as?”

“Two recent ones are the protests against coal exports from British Columbia to Asia via the Salish Sea, and the protests against the Keystone Pipeline taking Canadian tarsand products through the US. Taken together, they’re enough to …”

“Sydney. How tiresome! Your people, and you for listening to them. Any of my employees tried to darken my life with that nonsense, they’d be seeking employment elsewhere. I recommend that you do the same. You know as well as I do what global per-capita energy-use trends are.”

“Going up.”

“And what the global human population trend is.”

“Up. Spectacularly.”

“Either of those start going down, we pay attention. Until then? Forget it. Those people – my God, movie actors are so clueless – who are preaching ‘close this mine’ and ‘shut that pipeline down’ without paying any attention to the consequences of their actions? One blip in the energy supply – a spike in the price of gasoline, or, God help us, a brownout of the Super Bowl, and they’ll all disappear. Drowned out by everyone else who’s screaming to get their gas and electricity back. Unless of course, they’re doing the screaming themselves. Like those [ptui!] ‘global warming’ scientists who preach about climate change and then drive home, each by themselves, to their posh homes in the suburbs. Phooey! And any business that makes the mistake of listening to these idiots will be so Chapter 7. You know this, Sydney.”

“Yes, Reg, I do.”

“Good boy. Now you get those publicity and environmental staffers of yours to work casting doubt and shame on the rabble rousers and Lexus environmentalists, and reminding everyone else that if we don’t get to run our businesses according to their own true wishes, they might have to do without. Then come back here with a shine on your face that’s more appropriate to the occasion.”

“Thanks, Reg, I needed that. Speaking of the occasion, I’m surprised to see you here. I thought you’d be off somewhere summery, ah, romping with your Valentine.”

“I haven’t selected one yet.”

“Ah.”

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Screwtape The Third: Pledge of Allegiance

Posted on February 12, 2012 by Amoeba

“Wormsap!!”

“Yes, Master Screwtape?”

“I just saw this report on investment trends in our war-related properties. It’s shocking! We can’t sustain this! If it continues, Grandfather’s response will make the fate of your uncle look like a vacation in Purgatory. What are you doing about this?”

“Temporary setback, sir. Conditions topside are similar to those of about a century ago, after what was then called The War To End All Wars. Warfare was suppressed for a significant period after that conflict, as the name implies. Top agents culled from all the sectors of H.E.L.L. LLLC are now working to replicate the conditions that ameliorated the unfavorable environment on that earlier occasion. The present focus of their attention is Greece, though they are, of course, active everywhere. We think that war will rebound, and with it our opportunities.”

“In the long term, maybe. What about the short? You will recall, Wormsap, that patience is a virtue, and consequently will not be tolerated!”

“You have perhaps overlooked, sir, the expansion plans for the Jefferson Wing of the Hall of Patriots.”

“We have an entire Hall for one puny mob of American pro gridiron players?”

“No, sir. Not that they wouldn’t merit a closet somewhere. This one’s for the political patriots.”

“Oh. Right. Isn’t that where we put the suicide bombers?”

“That’s the bin Laden Wing, sir. Bowls of grapes everywhere. They hate it. It’s perfect!”

“I assume they’re sour?”

“The grapes? Of course.”

“So what’s the Jefferson Wing, then?”

“Jefferson was one of the Founders of the United States of America topside, you’ll recall, sir. We have agitators working in the USA now to reinstate something called the “Pledge of Allegiance” into the schools and other aspects of daily American life. The living Jefferson would have been horrified to find out that Americans had ever adopted such a pledge, because it’s so much like the oaths of allegiance to despots that the United States, mind you, sir, fought a war to escape from. It’s quite amusing to hear his shade lecture the newbies on how their pledge violates his precious principle of ‘free speech’.”

“Promising so far, Wormsap.”

“Perhaps you will also find it promising to learn just how the original author of the pledge intended for it to be performed. As I mentioned, sir, we are working to recreate the conditions that overcame the previous global outbreak of peace, and we thought that this operation fit the overall objective well. Especially as that photograph was taken in 1941.”

“Well, I’m glad that, for once, Wormsap, you seem to have targeted a cohort of investors that will not present discipline problems. Those predisposed to saluting flags should have no trouble conforming to our rules and regulations.”

“Um, sir … before you jump to that conclusion, you might consider the difficulties that the cohort is currently having, as they try to decide on a suitable candidate for the US Presidency.”

“You would have to say that, wouldn’t you?”

“Well, sir …”

“Yes, bless it, it is H.E.L.L. How did we wind up with this Jefferson, anyway? Topsiders seem to think that he’s in [ptui!] The Adversary’s domain. But considering what he bought with it, I’d say that his speech was anything but free.”

“Check the file, sir. You’ll discover that he was a slave-owner, and in the matter of the children of at least one of those slaves, he was, ah, ‘the onlie begetter’.”

“And the topsiders think that biology isn’t eternal. Hooooowwwwlllll!!”

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Reg and Syd: Keepers of the ClimateGate

Posted on February 10, 2012 by Amoeba

“Hm. I guess we’ll have to be more careful how we publicize our meetings in the future.”

“Oh? What makes you think so, Syd?”

“Some journalist down in Australia apparently found out, from a Twitter posting, about a meeting where some of us discussed how to increase our market influence by investing in media companies. And he’s chirping about it.”

“I’m not surprised about the chirping. Hanging upside down all the time like they do Down Under does strange things to your head. Still, that was careless on Monckie’s part.”

“Monckie’s?”

“Ah yes, I forget. Lord Monckie.”

“He won’t like that, Reg.”

“And he’s going to find out about it here? Not likely. It’s not like he’s done anything wrong. In fact, it’s the only thing he can do.”

“You’re thinking of the Henry Ford case, a century ago?”

“Precisely. When the Dodge brothers and other shareholders sued the Ford company to recover dividends lost because Henry boosted wages for his workers and slashed prices on his cars, thus cutting profits. Ford tried to argue “social responsibility”, but the courts said forget that, the business of business is profit, and you deliberately reduce profits at your legal and professional peril. Of course, the matter cut much deeper than that, but the principle that came out of it remains. As a corporate leader, you must do all that you can to maximize profits for your company, and especially for your shareholders. Which is exactly what Monk … er, Lord Monckton was doing. And is exactly what we do on a daily basis.”

“You don’t fear a backlash?”

“From whom, Syd? A pack of white coats who think they can do hip-hop? The new ‘privacy’ policies we’re putting into place at YouTube, Google, and all, will soon put a stop to that kind of nonsense. Not that it matters anyway. You know as well as I do how we make money.”

“By giving customers what they want?”

“Precisely. And no amount of skulduggery on our part will save us if we don’t do that. Even the Chinese so-called Communists have figured that much out. And what do our customers want?”

“In America? Basically conveniences, toys, entertainment. And the energy to run them all.”

“And what is the message of those white coats?”

“That you can’t have any of this stuff, because it’s hurting the planet.”

“Precisely! Remember the last time we went by a lab of scientists that worked on climate change. What do you see in the parking lot?”

“Cars.”

“Bicycles?”

“Not many.”

“Walkers?”

“Maybe a couple.”

“Indeed. Not only are they telling people to do things that they don’t want to do, they can’t do them themselves! We have nothing to fear from them. Just ask that guy who preached about climate change while ignoring what the people wanted, and got himself thrown out of the Presidency of the Maldive Islands for his trouble. And the voters in most states are helping us to squeeze the white coats out of universities and laboratories. Except for the ones we own, of course.”

“So we keep giving the people what they want, for their profit and ours. Eh?”

“Just so.”

“You don’t have any Greek friends, do you, Reg?”

“Sydney. Don’t be unworthy.”

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