He and She: There Castle

She: “You are not allowed to go on any more trips without moi!

He: “Separation anxiety, much?”

She: “So you want the werewolves to take me?!?”

He:Where are you getting wolves on the Big Island of Hawai‘i? Haven’t we got enough trouble with the volcano?

She: “Well, love, you just beware of the ware that the werewolves are selling at the roadside stand. You might meet me in those meat pies!”

He: “I thought those were tamales.”

She: “So they’re Mexican werewolves.”

He: “Not if they’re putting pineapple in their tacos, they aren’t. What did I agree to this time while I wasn’t paying attention?”

She: “You were paying attention! Or at least you looked like you were. And then you just forgot!

He: “In your dreams, maybe.”

She:Exactly!

He: “Oy. How many times have I told you that I’m not responsible for what happens in your dr…?”

She: “We took a picnic to a park. And the park manager let us in, but told us never to separate, never even to get beyond touching distance. Or we’d be targets! And you agreed!

He: “I’ve got to start figuring out how to avoid agreeing to things in absentia.”

She: “How about by not being absent? So you said OK to this, and then you wandered off! Chasing after some seaweed or something. I figured you’d be back soon and spread out the picnic blanket all nice and pretty. I finished that and looked up, and I was surrounded!

He: “Werewolves, I suppose?”

She:Right there wolves! And bears, and orcs, and vampires, and …”

He: “Right. No more urban fantasy novels before bedtime for you!

She: “I called out ‘Honey!!‘ And you said ‘Just a minute!’ But I don’t have a minute! The creatures are closing in! Any second now, and they’re going to grab me! I start heaving fruit at them from the picnic basket to keep them away. I’d just bonked a goblin off the head with the last peach when you finally show up!”

He: “And see nothing.”

She: “Of course not. You weren’t the one who had been abandoned. And you did see something.

He: “I shudder to think.”

She: “You noticed that all our fruit was gone. ‘Hey, that was our lunch! You wished to throw things, we could have brought softballs or something.’ ”

He: “At least you didn’t throw in the towel.

She: “Nope, I still know where my towel is. No thanks to you!

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He and She: Fair Ferry Fare to the Fair

She: “So, you’re in Seattle?”

He: “Yeah. Business meeting. The things I gotta do to keep food in our fridge.”

She: “Uh huh. And speaking of food, you’re going to have dinner in our favorite restaurant without me? No fair!”

He: “Of course there isn’t. This is June. The fair’s not ’til August.”

She: “The county fair doesn’t count. The food thing is never fair!”

He: “Hm? I thought it was always fare! Good fare at a reasonable fare. Why else are we sparring over this?”

She: “It had better be good and reasonable. Otherwise, we say ‘fare thee well’ to the money. And we can’t afford to do that!”

He: “I know, and hey, I’m doing the best I can. I’m not renting a car on this trip, and I’m taking a ferry to the meeting.”

She: “What?!? Give it back!!

He: “OK, I’m riding a ferry to the meeting.”

She: “What’s the fare?”

He: “It’s a fair fare.”

She: “A fair ferry fare? For whom?”

He: “The state. I guess.”

She: “So is it a fair state ferry fare, or a state fair ferry fare?”

He: “The fair is not ’til August. As I’ve already stated. Or I’d give you the fare for the merry-go-round.”

She: “Sweetheart?”

He: “Yes, gorgeous?”

She: “About that plane that took you to Seattle.”

He: “Hm?”

She: “Did it give you enough oxygen?

He: “Dunno. How’s the vog in Kona today?”

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He and She: Frog Wars

Coqui! Coqui!

She: “Hear that?”

He: “Yep. Rain last night. A peeper tonight.”

She: “A peeper? That’s all you heard?”

He: “… whut?”

She: “You didn’t hear the loud crash?”

He: “Um, no …”

She: “Or the screaming?”

He:Please tell me you haven’t been watching sensationalist videos of the volcano!

She: “I have not! The crash is the sound of collapsing property values in this neighborhood, because somebody heard a coqui frog! And the screaming is from the property owners: Kill the coqui!

He: “Riiight. So all the ‘hood’s horses and all the ‘hood’s men are going on a search and destroy mission against a single critter that’s the size of a penny, hiding under tons of leaves and litter somewhere in acres of ground, and is a master ventriloquist to boot. I’m not liking their chances. And even if they do find something, how’re they going to know if it’s the correct thing? Look at the picture again. Do you see any red on this frog?”

She: “No. What does …?”

He: “‘Course not. If anything, it’s got flecks of blue. Doesn’t that make it a pepsiqui?

She: “O .. my …”

He:Doesn’t it? How can it be a cokequi without any red on it? Marketing fail! And surely you can’t have expected that Pepsi would allow Coke to establish a peeper monopoly on Hawai‘i Island without trying to do something to bust it!”

She:Harrumpfh! If I didn’t know you better, I’d be accusing you of not getting your coke from sugar water.”

He: “Don’t go there! The last thing we need on this island right now is a turf war between the methquis and the gangaquis!”

She: “Uh huh. I think I know what the qui to this conversation is now.”

He: “What’s that?”

She:It’s past your bedtime!

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