Amoeba’s Lorica: One More Bierce Commemmoration

OLD, adj. When you finally realize that nothing you do matters, nothing you have ever done has made any fucking difference whatsoever (except maybe to convince the world that you suck), and you are now out of time.

You are a tool of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not, the universe
Is laughing behind your back.

           – Deteriorata

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Dude and Dude: Imp-pede-iments


Really, dude? I didn’t know ya …”

“Git yer mind outa tha gutter, dude, ‘r I’ll let it bite ya.”

“Worse an’ worse, dude!!”

“Argh. Just shaddap an’ get tha tongs, willya?”

Tongs?? When did ya get inta S&M?!?

“When ya started buggin’ me so much that I couldn’t get afta tha bugs!

WhaaAAAat? Tha Russians ‘re spyin’ on us?!?

“They’d get ta hear ‘zactly what they daserved ta, dude. Like how, while a dude a my acquaintance is bein’ an idiot, tha bug is gettin’ away!

What bug?”

“Tha big-ass centipede that I’d be tryin’ ta catch ‘n zap if’n it weren’t fer you!

“A centipede? Where? I don’ smell it.”

“They don’ got no smell, dude. Damn good thing they don’t, ’cause if’n they stunk half as bad as they look, ya’d be runnin’ outa tha house screamin’ fer yer life ‘stead a gettin’ in my way.”

“Huh. If’n it’s ugly but don’ stink, how can it be a scentipede, yeah? It’s gotta be a sightipede, amirite?”

“… o … my …”


“Yeah, well, dude, now that tha thing’s made its escape, ya get ta listen fer it skittlin’ across tha ceiling in tha middle a tha night …”

“So now they’re soundipedes?”

“… an’ hope it don’ land on yer head an’ suck yer brains out! ‘Course, it may take one taste an’ give it up, nothin’ ta eat here.”

Tasteipedes? Make up yer mind, dude. What are they?”

“Almost as much trouble as you! If’n this one comes back wit’ friends, dammit, we may havta try doin’ wit’ ’em like tha Chinese do.”


“Fry ’em up, stick ’em on a stick, an’ eat ’em. Speakin’ a taste.”

Acquired taste, yeah, dude?”


“But I gotta question.”

“I wuz afraid a that.”

“How do tha Chinese peeps get that stick in there?”

“How tha hell ya think?

Bugger! … y’wanna get yer hand offa yer face, dude?”

“No. But I gotta wash tha taste a this outa my mouth. Get tha chocolate-covered almonds, willya?”

“Sure! Thanks, dude!”

Hey! Where ya goin’ wit’ those?! Bring ’em back here! I want some too!

Jebus, dude. If’n ya jus’ wanted me ta have somemonds, why tha hell didn’t ya say so?”

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Dude and Dude: Birthday Fake


“Sup, dude? Yer virtual empire jus’ get virtually Trumped ‘r somethin’?”

“‘We will rebuild, dude.’ Nah, that ain’t it at all! I jus’ got ‘nother Facebook birthday notice! How tha hell many birthdays are there inna year, anyways??”

“‘Bout 365. One more on leap years. So? Who is it?”


“So ya bang ‘Happy Birthday, Jess!” in tha box, poke, an’ done. Move on wit’ yer life. Ifn y’can call spendin’ hours Facebookin’ an’ whackin’ virtual empires on yer phone a life.”

“Fer ever’body?

“Yeah, well, I reckon Damitri ain’t gonna like bein’ called ‘Jess’ on his birthday, but, yeah.”

“How tha hell lame is that?

“Callin’ ever’body by tha same name ’cause yer cut’n’pastin’ yer birthday greetin’s? Plenty.”


“… whut?”

“Ya don’ wanna be cuttin’ an’ pastin’. Ya wanna be comin’ up wit’ somethin’ that’ll, like, let ’em know ya ain’t a robot!

“Dunno, dude, them Russian bot’s ‘r probly smarter than you. Better lookin’, too.”

“Thanks fer pilin’ on tha pressure, dude.”

“What’s it to ya, dude? Ya got tha hots fer Jess ‘r somethin’?”

“What ifn she’s got ’em fer me?

“Dude, get off tha phone. Go take a walk in tha rain. Colder tha better. She only friended ya outa pity, an’ ya know it better’n I do. Write her a sonnet an’ she’ll think yer a creep. Ignore her beedee an’ she’ll think yer a jerk. So when ya get back, an’ ya still think ya gotta be clever, slam down “HB, J” ‘r somethin’ an’, like I said afore, do it an’ move on.”

“Dude, wit’ friends like you …”

“An’ while yer out, buy us some beer, willya?”

“Wit’ yer virtual money?

“Gettin’ ya virtually drunk might get ya ta chill. An’ get ya ta wishin’ peeps a happy birthday wit’out gettin’ all uptight ’bout it, yeah?”

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