Amoeba’s Lorica: Reindeer Gamed

The word reindeer is an anglicized version of the Old Norse words hreinn (“reindeer” [or “caribou”]) and dýr (“animal”) and has nothing to do with reins. – Wikipedia, accessioned 14 December 2023.


Herman Elfropos, Chief Operating Officer (COO) of Santaworks LLC, sat in his office, which occupied most of a candy-cane cottage at the entryway to the principal workshop complex.

There was nobody else in the office, but that hardly meant that he was alone, or idle. From the three computer screens on his desk came constant torrents of images, text messages, and data. To the visual cacophany was added the chatter from the audio channels he had open. To Mission Control, which was working feverishly from a nearby World War era Quonset hut to prepare Santa’s Sleigh for its annual Christmas launch, in T -74:10:14.5 Zulu and counting. And to the environmental team, which nervously monitored the ice under the sleigh for signs of cracking and catastrophic failure. Every year that risk increased, as the sleigh’s payload grew and the icecap shrank.

Herman sighed. Christmas Eve was just over three days away, and the sleigh loading and shielding tasks were hastening to their conclusion. If he chose, which was not often due to the demands on his time and attention, Herman could look out through his front window, into the forever night of a polar winter, and see the parked sleigh, five cruise ships long, two wide, and as many high, blazing with lights and swarming with outfitters and cargo loaders. Even less likely, he could step outside his office door and catch a whiff from the stables which housed the hundreds of thousands of reindeer that were needed to move that monster sleigh at launch time. Neither would be possible after T -8:00:00, when the blast shutters and heat shields were installed, covering the windows and doors. To protect the cabin, along with the rest of the Santaworks infrastructure, from the consequences of sleigh liftoff. Placards posted by the safety team were everywhere: “The Word Is Sleigh. Not Slay”.

Herman checked quickly to ensure that his computer camera was off, his microphone muted, then he buried his face in his hands. “For this”, he moaned, “I left a successful career in dentistry. What was I th …”?

WHAAAAM!!!

The crash on the door sounded like two dozen boulders thrown against it all at once. The cabin rocked under the pressure. And after the crash, a deep-resonant shriek: “HERMEEEEEEY!!!

Only one creature in the universe still called the COO of Santaworks LLC by that name. Even Santa himself didn’t dare. Herman ran to the door, opened it.

It was Rudolph on the other side, pawing the ice. Rudolph the reindeer, now a fully-mature stag, and an impressive specimen with a rack of antlers to match. During the annual rut, Rudolph used that rack to overthrow his competitors, and his red nose to blind them and make the task easier. The team leading the sleigh now consisted of two full divisions of red-nosed reindeer, all sired and led by Rudolph. What’s more, he was now the shop steward for Reinsters Local 1. His pride had grown with his size and bulk and responsibilities, and record of conquests, and he was quick to anger, quick to assert his authority. And right now, in his anger, his red nose blazed like a small sun. Blazed from the wreckage of the pressurized, anti-gravity, heat-shielded mission suit that he evidently had been wearing when whatever had angered him happened.

Herman, confronted with animal rage, responded with elfin majesty and calm, learned through years of dental practice and then corporate leadership. His voice measured, and confident with the assurance of long friendship, he gently twitted, “What’s the matter, misfit?”

Herman’s appeal to their shared history had the desired effect. Rudolph’s fury suddenly collapsed in on itself, and to judge from his quivering knees, Rudolph’s body was at risk of following suit. The red nose dimmed to a flicker. A tear fell from Rudolph’s left eye and clattered onto Herman’s doorstep, frozen solid on the way down.

“Hermey, I love you”, Rudolph whispered.

Herman rubbed Rudolph’s muzzle.

“But we’ve got a problem.”

Herman looked at the fresh dents and scars on his front door. “I figured.”

“How long have we been doing this?” Rudolph’s voice slowly regained strength.

Herman answered. “You were a faun when? 1939 by Common Era reckoning? Almost a century ago? And Santa was already old and gray? It’s gotta be at least a thousand years.”

“And all”, Rudolph’s nose started glowing again, “without a contract?

Herman’s eyes narrowed, his brow furrowed, his head tilted, his chin lifted, wordlessly demanding an explanation.

“We’re reindeer”, Rudolph began. “Reindeer. Draft animals, by birth and by profession, called to haul things for people and elves alike. Or so we thought!

“Word’s getting out, Hermey. ‘Reindeer’ is our name, not our calling. The ‘rein’ in our name has nothing to do with transportation. That meaning has been imposed on us, has been used to enslave us!” Herman had to shield his eyes from the red fire.

Look at this operation!” Rudolph demanded. “When I started, Santaworks was a single open sleigh with Santa as the driver, drawn by eight of us. Now? It’s a pan-national corporation of a size and power that Disney and Musk and Bezos and Zuckerberg can only fantasize about! It’s gotten so huge that there are hundreds of thousands of us reindeer, and we all have to wear these ridiculous monkey suits” (he pointed a hoof at the wreckage of his gear) “to protect us from ourselves while we try to drag this mountain around the world at a not-insignificant fraction of the speed of light! And what do we get out of it? The privilege of spending most of the year pawing around the shores of the Arctic Ocean looking for lichens to eat!

This is big, Hermey. Big! For old time’s sake, I’m going to try to keep a lid on it. But I don’t know if I can. I don’t even know if I should!

Herman, exuding supreme confidence, patted Rudolph on the flank. “You should, you can, and you will. And you’ll do a wonderful job of it. Your word has kept us to schedule, safe from weather and terrain, every year without fail. Your word has kept us from having to register with the human navigation networks, with immense benefits to the company’s finances and the security of its operations. Your word will ensure no workforce disruptions this close to Christmas. You can, if you have to, point out to the rank and file what it would be like if Christmas didn’t come to their fauns.” To that, Rudolph nodded his head, ruefully.

Especially“, Herman urged, “you can dispel the notion that any of this is somehow deliberate on Santa’s part or Santaworks’s. You know Santa better than that, and can say so. After Mission Accomplished, we all take our January holiday, which can also serve as our 30-day cooling-off period. Then, we can meet, rested and refreshed, and hash out how this happened and what we need to do about it. That will give us two months, near enough, before sunrise and the summertime dispersal, to get to “yes”. Can?”

“I’ll try”, Rudolph replied, somewhat doubtfully.

“You can and you will”, Herman concluded. “The toys must fly on.” He once again patted Rudolph on the flank.

Rudolph nodded his head, then straightened to his full height, turned, and strode purposefully in the direction of the stables.

Herman watched him go, watched until Santaworks’s most valuable living asset after Santa himself disappeared out of sight. He then returned to his office, closing the door behind him and shutting off most of the lights. He went to his computer, set “Do not disturb” flags on his tech, and put the machine to sleep. Only when he was sure that he was cut off from connectivity did he let his smile fade, his shoulders sag.

“Arnie?”, he called out, his voice weak, quavering.

“Coming” was the response from one of the back rooms of the cottage. A moment later, Arnold Carelf was in the COO’s office.

“You heard?”, Herman asked.

“Every word”, Arnold replied, then stretched out his hands.

The two elves hugged and kissed, and then Herman went to his office chair and sat in it, while Arnold started massaging his shoulders.  “Fifteen minutes”, Herman stated. “That’s all I get.”

“OK”, Arnold replied, and then he set to work, kneading the tension out of Herman’s body, all the while chanting, “This too shall pass. This too shall pass.”

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Amoebaʻs Lorica: A Nut Case

Once upon an airline, not so very long ago, Your Friendly Neighborhood Amoeba and Dame Amoeba were seated and waiting for takeoff from the frozen wastes (so claimed DA) of the Pacific Northwest back to their soon-to-be former home in Hawai‘i Nei. And as they were waiting, the airline of the frozen wastes presented them with a beverage and a nibble. A quintessentially “welcome to Hawai‘i” nibble.

Nuts.

Mac nuts.

To give them their full name, macadamia nuts.

Presented to us by a middle-aged lady flight attendant with a bit of a domineering attitude.

This presentation immediately caused YFNA, who is, as you know by now, dear reader, a Contrarian, Problems. And YFNA has had to tell you about his Problems for, like, the last seventeen years. Why stop now?

Starting with the name.

Macadamia “nuts” (more on that later) come from a tree that has, for its formal scientific name, Macadamia integrifolia. The first part of the name, the genus, was coined in the 19th century by the German-born Australian botanist Ferdinand von Müller, and it honors a fellow Australian and a then-youthful friend of his, John Macadam. Now, since the common name of the tree and the scientific name are one and the same, and this name commemorates a person whose surname is commonly pronounced MacADAM, it should follow that the plant’s name is pronounced MacADAMia. Yes?

Of course not. It’s pronounced Mac-a-DAME-ia.

Once again demonstrating, yea insisting on, the superiority of Woman over mere expendable males. Next thing we know, Adam will be edited out of the Genesis story. Or they’ll make him eat the apple and cop the blame for it. And then spend the rest of eternity trying to sell bicycles to fishes.

Macadamia integrifolia and its relatives belong to a plant family called the Proteaceae. Itʻs yet another example of creature names that make no sense. After all, if there is a Proteaceae, then, for balance and proportion, there should be a Conteaceae, and probably also an Amateurteaceae. Hm? Neither exists. Proteaceae stands, prominently and unaccountably, alone. Just as, for example, the family Bignoniaceae stands alone and disconsolate, because no one has described the obvious name needed for balance: Littleknowniaceae.

Thereʻs another problem with this family Proteaceae. Whoʻs heard of it? Itʻs not like you can make tea from any of the plants in the family. Even if the name claims that the plants are in favor of it. Itʻs too late, another plant family has already cornered the market. The Theaceae. Yes, of course they misspelled it. But donʻt take that as an opportunity, because the family Don wonʻt be happy if you try to horn in on his turf, however itʻs spelled, and he might take out a contract on you.

There are some mighty families in the plant world, and they got their pride. Consider, for example, the grass family, the Poaceae. Nothing poʻ about the produce that this family brings to the table, in quality or quantity. Wheat, rice, barley, rye, oats, maize, sugar, hay, lawns, football fields and the starlets that gaze on their tight ends. And that’s even after smoking grass got its own turf. The rose family is the apple in the young girlʻs eye, speaking of starlets. And the plum, and the pear, and the peach, and the apricot … The squash family is constantly making a racket. And then there are tomatoes and potatoes. Turnips and cabbages. Peas and beans. Parsnips and carrots. All to market, to market, by the truck, train, and planeload, from families that are widespread and powerful.

What has the Proteaceae got? One measly little tree and its nuts. Which aren’t even really nuts, they’re drupes. Which is why the Proteaceae skulk around in the back corners of the farmer’s market, all drupy. To make matters worse, the seed-bearing drupe from Macadamia trees has a shell that is as stiff and hard as aluminum, which means you can’t get anything to eat without resorting to blacksmith’s tools, and creating mostly macadamia nut seed flour in the process, which nobody’s buying.

“Yeah, chill, Vito. We can afford to let the Hawaiians with their cute little Hawaiian tree have their specialty shop out in the middle of nowhere. They make any moves, they make it worth our while, they find out what “muscle” means. But for now, we leave them alone and show them how magnanimous we can be. We can do without the bad press that the grass family got over there last August, when they tried to take over. Bunglers!”

So, to what island(s) of Hawai‘i Nei are the cute little Hawaiian trees with their cute little “welcome to Hawai‘i” macadamia nuts seeds native? Kaua‘i? O‘ahu? Maui? Hawai‘i Island? French Frigate Shoals?

Queensland.

“Say what? Macadamia trees are from Australia? Where all the wildlife is out to kill you?!?”

This surprises you how? Where else would a tree learn to put its seeds in a case that it takes dynamite to open? Besides. Pineapples are from Brazil. Sugar cane, India and Indonesia. Papayas, Mexico. Why should macadamias be any different from any other cash crop in Hawai‘i? In fact, macadamias got their start when sugar cane planters realized that their crop was no longer profitable, and converted those lands that they couldn’t turn into luxury hotels, or firestarter districts, into macadamia groves.

“Right. And now, Hawai‘i is the place to go for mac nuts?”

South Africa.

“We’ve been cut out again?? Isn’t there anything special about things in Hawai‘i that we can sell to the tourists any more?”

There’s always the centipedes.

“Ew.”

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Amoeba’s Lorica: 28th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America

“[US House of Representatives Speaker Mr Michael] Johnson’s proposal [passed by the House on 14 November 2023, three days before the deadline for a government shutdown set three months prior during the last irresponsible shenanigans] puts forward a unique — critics say bizarre — two-part process that temporarily funds some federal agencies to Jan. 19 and others to Feb. 2. It’s a continuing resolution, or CR, that comes without any of the deep cuts conservatives have demanded all year. It also fails to include President Joe Biden’s request for nearly $106 billion for Ukraine, Israel, border security and other supplemental funds.” – News item


The Constitution of the United States of America has not been revised since the 27th Amendment was ratified in 1992, 21 years ago as this post is written and 19 years since the Contract on with America began the budget games through which Our Elected [sic] Representatives have demonstrated their, and Our, criminal incompetence ever since. In the opinion of Your Friendly Neighborhood Amoeba, the text below, drafted as a proposed 28th Amendment to the Constitution, is long overdue. It’s time – it’s far past time – for the bullmanure spreaders to be put out to pasture. And for each and every one of We the People to recognize that the only thing any of Us is entitled to is oblivion.

**

Article 1.

The fiscal year for the Federal Government of the United States of America shall begin at 12:0o:oo AM, Eastern Standard Time, on the 1st of October of each Common Era year, and shall end at 11:59:59 PM, Eastern Standard Time, on the 30th of September of the subsequent Common Era year, each year consisting of 365 days in non-leap years, and 366 days in leap years. Neither Congress nor the Executive shall have power to change the starting time and date, or the ending time and date, or the duration of the fiscal year.

Article 2. 

Prior to the start of each fiscal year, the House of Representatives shall draft a Budget for the Federal Government that will fund all elements of that Government for the entirety of the upcoming fiscal year. The Congress will then debate and pass a single Budget Bill, and present that Bill to the Executive for signature and passage into Law. Passage of the Budget into Law shall take place before 11:59:59 PM, Eastern Standard Time, on the 30th of September of the immediately-preceding fiscal year. Congress shall have no power to enact a Budget in any form other than a single Bill that covers all aspects of the Federal Government for the entirety of the upcoming fiscal year, though it shall retain the power to amend the Budget, through Budget Supplement legislation, to meet unanticipated needs of the Nation.

Article 3.

If a Budget for a given fiscal year that meets the provisions of this Amendment (see Article 5) is not passed into Law prior to the start of that fiscal year (12:00:00 AM, Eastern Standard Time, of the year in question), the following Actions shall take effect.

Section 1. The Budget for the preceding fiscal year shall be adopted as the budget for the fiscal year for which no Budget has been passed into Law, without amendment except as necessary to comply with the provisions of Article 5. Any such amendments will be enacted by the Chief Executive as set forth in Section 3.

Section 2. All elective offices of the Legislative and Executive Branches of the Government of the United States of America shall be declared vacant. Incumbents shall stand down, surrendering their offices and the perquisites thereof by 11:59:59 PM on 1 October of the Common Era year in question, and be permanently ineligible for re-election.

Section 3. Governance of the United States of America shall pass to the Joint Chiefs of Staff of the Armed Forces of the United States of America, with its Chair becoming the nation’s Chief Executive, until new elections are held to fill the vacancies.

Section 4. Elections shall be held within 120 days of the failure to pass a Budget, namely by the first of February of the Common Era year in question.

Section 5. Candidates for electoral office shall post their candidacy, and their qualifications for the post for which they wish to be considered, on public forums. No campaigning other than the posting of candidacy and relevant qualifications on public forums shall be permitted, and no campaign funds shall be acquired or spent, either by or on behalf of a candidate, on penalty of disqualification of the candidate. Elections for all offices shall include, as a candidate, a non-person, to be named Nobody, representing, to the voter, the option to refuse election to any human candidate for the office.

Section 6. In all elections, votes shall be tallied for all persons eligible to vote in that election, whether or not a ballot is cast. Voters who do not cast a ballot shall be recorded as having voted for Nobody, as provided for in Section 5.

Section 7. The candidate winning the largest plurality of votes in any election shall be declared the winner. If the winner of the largest plurality in an election is Nobody, the office in question shall be declared vacant.

Section 8. If, in an election as stipulated in Section 4, the offices of President or Vice-President of the United States of America be declared vacant according to Section 7, or if there be declared vacancies in either the House of Representatives or the Senate, according to Section 7, sufficient to deny either body a Quorum, then all elective offices will be declared vacant, and the Joint Chiefs of Staff will remain in power, this result being interpreted as the Will of the People.

Section 9. Should the result of an election be as described in Section 8, subsequent elections shall be held on the Tuesday of the first full week of November annually until an elected government is seated, the Joint Chiefs of Staff retaining the Executive power until that time. New Budgets during this time, required under Article 2, shall be emplaced according to the provisions of Article 3, Section 1. The Executive shall have the power to reassign funds within the Budget to meet emerging needs, but shall not have the power to spend more funds in total than are provided for in the Budget, or to raise supplemental revenues.

Section 10. So long as the Executive authority resides with the Joint Chiefs of Staff, as provided for in Sections 3 and 8, constitutional powers reserved to Congress that are not addressed in this Amendment, such as the power to declare war, shall devolve upon the Chief Executive. When an elected Congress is seated, as provided for under Sections 3-7 and 9, its constitutional powers shall be returned to it.

Section 11. Congress shall pass no Law that seeks to remove or modify any of the provisions of Article 3.

Article 4. Congress shall pass no law that stipulates adjustment of annual Budgets by any means other than the full deliberation of Congress, on the single annual Budget Bill as provided for in Article 2, and on any Budget Supplements that may be mooted to meet pressing circumstances and are subject to the provisions of Article 5.

Article 5. Beginning on or before the fifth full fiscal year after the ratification of this Amendment, the Budget that is passed into Law shall be a balanced Budget, with expenditures less than or equal to projected revenues. After this date, failure to pass a balanced Budget, under ordinary circumstances, shall be held to be the same as failure to pass any Budget under the provisions of Article 2, and the provisions of Article 3 shall be invoked; a Budget that is not balanced may become Law only if it is passed by acclamation by both Houses of Congress, under circumstances that make it clear that insistence on a balanced Budget would do irreparable harm to the Nation.

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