Dude and Dude: Ruined

“Whatcha got there, dude?”

“Somethin’ somebody shared on Facebook, dude.”

“Yeah? Lemme see … an’ they shared this when?”

“Yestaday.”

“Dude. This clickbait was posted, like, on March of last year! An’ yer peeps’re just findin’ out ’bout it now?!?”

“Guess they liked it, yeah?”

“Yeah. Tha zombie ‘pocalypse is real. Tha zombie posts ‘re eatin’ brains on social media.”

“Hey. At least this ain’t one a those things that’s still circulatin’ three years afta Snopes called it out as ‘False’.

“Ya sure ’bout that, dude? Lessee if’n any a them 17 things ‘re still so wunderful afta ya break ’em down.”

“Didn’t yer mom ever tell ya ta stop breakin’ things?”

“Virtually nevah.”

“Figgers. OK. It’ll be hard to be impressed by beaches nearly anywhere else in the world.”

“Ya mean, like Waikiki Beach, which would be bare rock if’n they didn’ keep shovelin’ sand onta it from tha west side a O‘ahu? An’ would be nothin’ but tents fulla tha poor folks what don’ got noplace else ta live, if’n it weren’t fer tha police sweeps?”

“Funny ya sh’ld mention poor folks, dude. You’ve become used to the laid-back lifestyle living in Hawaii affords you.”

“Yeah, like tha dude an’ chick what’re workin’ three jobs at like 110 hours a week so’s they can afford ta live inna closet wit’ a Murphy bed anna hotplate. Not ta mention tha peeps in Honolulu what spend like four hours in traffic ever’ day! Laid back? Laid flat’s more like it!”

“Ya gonna tell me what ya really think sometime tanight, or ya gonna keep makin’ me guess? You won’t be nearly as excited by the hiking options in any other state.”

“Y’uh huh. I’d call hikin’ ta work on roads wit’ no sidewalks and no room fer cars neither excitin’. An’ a bunch a otha words that ain’t quite so polite.”

“That ain’t hikin’, dude, that’s commutin’. Hikin’s fer, like, tha scenery, yeah?”

“On paths that are, like, closed an’ patrolled by the cops who are handin’ out trespassin’ citations, ’cause nobody wants ta own up ta bein’ responsible fer fixin’ tha trails? That ain’t hikin’ neither, dude, it’s suicide!”

“Ya fergit who’s Presadent a tha United States, dude? Ya may’s well go down doin’ somethin’ ya like. You become spoiled by incredibly fresh local produce and seafood.”

“Right. By tha worms from tha poke. An’ that, a course, explains tha piles a apples, cherries, peaches, grapes an’ all this otha stuff from California in tha supermarkets, hard as cardboard an jus’ as tasty, none a which grows in Hawaii. An’ ya know, don’tcha, that mangoes, which do grow in Hawaii, are related ta poison ivy?”

“Thanks a pantload, dude, now I’m gonna itch fer tha rest a tha week. Thank Dog ya can’t get worms from poke.”

“Too bad. If’n ya could, it might mean we’d have a tiny chance a leavin’ tha few fish what’re left in tha sea alone!”

“Riiight. You will be chilly when the temperature drops below 70 degrees. An’ if evah they was a dude what needed ta chill, it’s you. Though I sapose it’s a thing that you never have to worry about snow making your commute a nightmare.”

“Not tha snow, dude. Tha ice!”

“Ya ain’t nevah forgot ’bout that iced-out freak what tossed tha baby onta tha freeway, yeah?”

“Would you?”

“If’n a certain dude I know would let me. Wassamatta wit’ rainbows, dude? Ya know, rainbows are a near daily experience in Hawaii. Mebbe I should snatch yer ass away from yer iPhone an’ make ya go look at one?”

“Thanks but no thanks. An’ keep yer mitts offa my iPhone, stick wit’ yer Android gadget so’s I c’n laugh when it blows up in yer face. I’ll use mine ta look at pics a rainbows an’ stay dry!” Not always easy ’round here. Ya got any more a these gems?”

“Yeah, dude, but like yer wearin’ me out, yeah? Let’s take a break an’ get us some plate lunches ‘r somethin’. Hawaiian food favorites are hard to find anywhere other than on the islands. So let’s go get some while we can?”

“Ya mean, like this loco moco?”

“Yeah …?”

“Got any fish innit?”

“Um, nope.”

“Then what’s Hawaiian ’bout it?!? It’s got eggs an’ rice an’ hamburger an’ brown gravy wit’ a splash a soy sauce innit. None a which was anywhere near Hawai‘i until peeps got here. An’ tha wheat an’ tha soybeans an’ probly tha butter fer tha gravy, not ta mention tha rice, ya still gotta ship ‘r fly it in from someplace else! People have been bringin’ food inta tha Hawaiian Islands since the first waka got here, else they’d have starved ta death. An’ ever since, ever’ Hawaiian what’s ever been has been on a seefood diet!”

“Even if they’s allergic ta seafood?”

“Not seafood, dude. See food. As in ‘see food, eat food’.”

“Well, dude, I’m goin’ ta go see some food, like, right now. Ya comin’, ‘r not?”