Dude and Dude: New Year’s Revilation

“Happy Ne …”

Eeyowee, dude! Not so loud!

What loud? I can’t even hear myself! What’s yer problem?”

You are my problem, dude, yellin’ in my ear. Mind ya, b’tween tha hooters an’ tha M-80s y’wuz playin’ chicken wit’ all night, I’m surprised yer alive, never mind able ta hear nothin’.”

“What?”

“Read ma lips, dude. No more firecrackers!

“Yeah? Well, it sure as hell was better’n ya dancin’ all night wit’ José. How wuz tha floor, anyways?”

“Cold.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet. Prob’ly not cuddly neither.”

“Not tha floor, dude. You!

I ain’t cold, dude. Toasty warm, in fact. This is Hawai‘i, yeah?”

“Dude, I jus’ wish my head w’ld stop poundin’ on me an’ start poundin’ on you. It’d save me tha trouble. Why do we keep doin’ this dumbass crap anyways?”

“B’cause it’s fun, dude! Ya got somethin’ ‘gainst livin’ all of a sudden?”

Yer only livin’ ’cause a dumb luck. An’ if this is what bein’ alive‘s gonna feel like, I’ll check out death ’cause it’s more comfortable. Ya do know what ‘live’ spelled backwards is?”

“What?”

“E-V-I-L. ‘Splains a lot, actually.”

“D’pends how ya say it.”

“How ya what?

“How ya say it, I sed. If’n ya say ‘live’ like rhymes wit’ ‘give’, then OK, I’ll give ya back tha silent ‘e’ an’ ya get ‘evil’. But if’n ya say ‘live’ like rhymes with ‘jive’, then ya don’t got ‘evil’, the ‘i’ is wrong. Ya get vile instead.”

“E-vile.”

“What’s that, a bad computer game?”

“No, the President-Elect.”

“An’ ya ‘cuse me a livin’ dangerously! B’sides, like I sed b’fore, the ‘e’ is silent. An’ this time I ain’t givin’ it back ta ya.”

“Why? Yer afraid y’ll run outa vowels ‘r somethin’? Good thing yer name’s not Lance.”

“Yeah?”

“‘Cause otherwise I’d be tempted to call ya Vile, Lance. An’ ya would be worried that ya ain’t saved up ’nuff vowels ’cause then ya wouldn’t have ’nuff left ta scream with.”

“Me, scream? Wit’ yer hangover? Ya’d be thankin’ me fer not screamin’ an’ savin’ yer life, dude.”

“Speakin’ a savin’ lives, can’t we order a pizza ‘r somethin’? I’m starvin’.”

“Prob’ly. But I doubt we c’n get it delivered.”

“Why not?

“‘Cause they’re sick a gettin’ reviled fer it. B’sides, it’s a holiday, yeah?”

“Tha holiday’s in?”

“Riiight, dude. I’d be shocked if’n ya c’ld afford Motel 6.”

“Dude.”

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