Mars Comes Into Opposition
– News item
THE CAPITOL, Washington DC, USA, 23 May 2016 (API*) A large, robust man wearing the uniform of an Imperial Roman centurion entered the Capitol building this morning and disrupted the sessions of both Houses of Congress.
The man, though alone and apparently unarmed, nevertheless disabled all security devices and overpowered the Capitol Police and the Sergeants at Arms of both House and Senate. He then corralled all the Senators and Representatives who had not yet left the Capitol, and the city, for the upcoming Memorial Day recess (about half of them), ushered them into the House chamber, and addressed them, claiming the authority of Mars, the Roman god of war.
“We are sick of your little spy toys“, ‘Mars’ thundered, implying that he also claimed jurisdiction over the planet of that name. “We ignored the first ones, because their distance from us, or their incompetent handling, told us we had no basis for action, that you would soon give up and go away. Your more recent intrusions caused us to monitor your communications, which revealed your colonialist ambitions.
“We have no intention of sharing the fate of your own First Peoples”, ‘Mars’ announced. “Therefore, we have descended upon the parliaments of all of your nations that have them, have ejected those who have called themselves ‘the Opposition‘, and have installed our representatives in their places. We will oppose your hegemony, to the extent of replacing it with our own if you remain intransigent.”
A shouted question came from the near vicinity of Mr Paul Ryan, Speaker of the House: “Why have you not done this with our own Opposition?” Growls of assent and dissent from the assembled representatives were abruptly cut short at a crude gesture from ‘Mars’.
“We didn’t think it was necessary”, ‘Mars’ snarled. “We have been following your Presidential campaigns. Furthermore, if your astronomers in Hawai‘i had actually been looking at the heavens instead of spending all of their time dealing with anti-science protestors, you might have seen us coming. Why should we do any work, when your own people will do our work for us? Dis-MISSED!!”
At press time, all occupied Houses of Parliament were standing undamaged, despite frequent shouts such as “Where’s the kaboom? There should have been an earth-shattering kaboom!” allegedly coming from them. Numerous unconfirmed reports of either a large, grey, bipedal rabbit or an equally large black duck in a skin-tight green suit, interacting (interfering?) with the Martians, have also been received. Nevertheless, the Martian Opposition seems well established in these places, with no sign that it will end soon.
* API = Amoeba Press International