Screwtape The Third: WaterUnderworld

The smokes of H.E.L.L.“Wormsap?”

“Yes, Master Screwtape?”

“Am I correctly informed that you have the esteemed clientele of our Pacific Northwest subregion filling sandbags?

“You are, sir.”

All of them?!?”

“It’s going to take a lot of sandbags to protect your jurisdiction of the Hadean Estates from the combined effects of massive sea level rise and catastrophic earthquake topside. Our walls could be cracked, or overtopped, or both, at any moment.”

“And you really think that even all the hosts of H.E.L.L. could prevent this? Especially if I decree that our prevailing environment shall be aquatic, and that instead of lava fountains, we shall all enjoy the specter of hydrothermal vent smokers, until such time as I or the Luciferan Council shall decide otherwise?”

“Which makes the sandbagging task an inappropriate one for our shareholders how, sir?”

“Hm. Appropriately diabolical. You are becoming positively dangerous, Wormsap. I shall have to make the Security Goblins double their surveillance on you.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“I wonder if that lowlife Printphubar will concur with that assessment.”

“N-no idea what you’re talking about, sir.”

“Of course not. I presume that, in the spare time you’ve allotted yourself from the task of playing Demon Sandman, you’ve completed the preparations for the arrival of those who have signed contracts for occupancy of the Climate Hall?”

“I welcome the honor of the insult, sir. The Climate Hall is indeed fully constructed and outfitted, which I ensured was the case before assigning either service agents or shareholders to the sandbag lines. As you ordered, sir, the cells are fitted for double occupancy, each with a climate denier and a climate prophet, together with an Instructional Demon to coach them in their meditations on which was the greater sin, fraud or hypocrisy.”

“One lied with his mouth, the other with his lifestyle. Either way, they both signed on with Hadean Estates Luxurious Living. I trust you put great weight on the equivalency of the carbon footprint of the denier and the prophet?”

“And on how the prophets rationalized that away, not recognizing how, by doing so, they revealed that the planet counted for nothing when compared with their own plays for power and comfort; not recognizing that the only true path to their goals was by first demonstrating that they recognized the sacrifices they were demanding of others and were willing to bear them themselves.”

“A hopeless task truly worthy of the [ptui!] Adversary, and may he have joy in the pitiable few and useless who adopt that path.”

“And meanwhile, sir, we have a burgeoning clientele that needs to be kept busy. Idle hands …”

“So why are you standing here talking about it?!?”

“Yessir. Foredemon!

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