Dude and Dude: The Arithmetic of Affliction

add - iction“Dude?”

“Mmmph.”

Talk ta me, dude!”

“… ’bout whut?”

“Yeah right. Dude gets a date fer tha first time in ferever an’ is back at the pad, by himself, afore Family Guy comes on. What happened?

“We couldn’ do nothin’, dude.”

“Yer moves need practice, dude!”

“Nah, I mean we couldn’ do nothin’! Like, dude, we couldn’ even find someplace we could go ta eat! Burger joint? She’s vegan, an’ tha buns ‘re out ’cause she’s sensitive ta gluten. Chinese? Can’t take MSG, an’ tha peanuts’ll kill her. Couldn’ even get her a milkshake ’cause she’s intolerant a lac toes, whateveh they are. An’ yadayadayada.”

“Figures, dude. A miracle happens an’ ya finally get a chick who’ll even look at ya, an’ ya havta land one what’s sufferin’ bad from subtradiction.”

“From what?

“Subtradiction! Don’ tell me ya ain’t heard a it?”

“I ain’t heard a it.”

“I asked ya …”

“Smartass. Ya gonna explain ‘r what?”

“Ain’t much ta explain. Ya know how, when ya get hooked on takin’ somethin’, it’s an addiction, yeah?”

“Yeah …”

“So when’s ya get hooked on not takin’ somethin’, ya gotta subtract ‘stead a addin’ somethin’, it’s a subtradiction, amirite?”

“Dude?”

“What?”

“Ya been talkin’ ta OC again, ain’tcha?”

“Well, dude, in case ya ain’t noticed, we’re kinda addicted ta keepin’ OC, like, happy, yeah?”

“Too bad fer him he ain’t got better company, yeah?”

“Yeah right, Mr. Wunnerful, so what happened ta this chick?

“I finally hadta ask her, ‘What tha hell ya live on? Heavy breathin’?'”

“And?”

“She went off inna huff.”

“So you wuz right!

“Yeah I was. And left.”

“Left alone?

“Mmmph.”

“Hey. Ya got me!

“Uh huh. Dude?”

“Yeah?”

“Shaddap.”

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