Dude and Dude: Free Wailin’

gluten freeOnce upon a supermarket aisle …

“I don’ get it, dude!”

“Dam right ya don’t, dude. Wit’ the price on that sucker? Y’put it in tha cart, I’ll smack ya one!”

“Gotta catch me first, an’ I don’ like yer chances. But jeez, dude! Dude needs ta rob a bank ‘r somethin’ ta pay fer food here. An’ that’s wit’ all the free stuff!”

“The what?

“The free stuff, dude! Can’t ya see it, it’s everyplace in here. Look at this one, fer instance. The sugar’s free. Says so right on the label.”

“Dude …”

“An’ the fat’s free on this one, an’ the dairy’s free on that one, an’ the cho … chole … whatever’s free on this other one …”

“Earth ta Dude …”

“An’ I dunno how come there’s glue in food, glue number 10 or any other kind, but there it is an’ it’s free. How the hell much would these things cost if’n we hadta pay fer this stuff, huh?”

“Y’ve heard a free dumb, ain’tcha, dude!”

“God bless America, dude. Is it the fourth of July already? I thought we just did Memorial Day.”

“Not even, dude. Trust me, y’c’n sing ’bout the land a tha free all ya want, and it ain’t takin’ a penny offa these price tags. Dude, tha reason tha sugar is free on that box a stuff is ’cause it ain’t got none! I thought ever’body knew that!”

“Well, where did it go, then, if it ain’t in there?”

“It escaped from the factory when they were tryin’ to unload tha delivery trucks, an’ now it dances wit’ the sugar plum fairies at Christmastime. I dunno, dude! All I know is that y’ain’t payin’ fer the sugar ’cause it ain’t there, so it’s free. Kinda. An’ as a matter a fact, yer payin’ more fer tha product ’cause the sugar ain’t there than ya would if it was there, an’ tha store gets away wit’ it ’cause a lot a people like it that way! So tha sugar free ain’t free nohow!”

“Huh?”

“Never mind. Have we got somethin’ ta eat yet? An’ more to tha point, can we pay for it?”

“Couple ramen, couple beers. We’ll just make it wit’ our ten bucks.”

“Did ya ‘member tha 8% sales tax?”

“What? Damn!!

“Wassamatta you? Ya think this was a free country ‘r somethin’?”

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