Reg and Syd: The School Board

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real persons, places or situations is for satirical purposes, or is unintentional.

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“My word, Reg. The whole board?

“That’s correct, Syd. Petitioner is asking the state to remove our town’s entire school board.”

“The accusations are pretty serious, Reg. Wrongful dismissals, unverifiable credentials, influence peddling, intimidation tactics … aren’t you worried?”

“Not in the slightest.”

“I don’t know, Reg …”

“Please, Syd. If your business isn’t shrugging off ten actions like this per quarter, you’re not half trying to make a go of it. I’d almost begin to think that your success was mere luck, and I know better. What’s the worst that can happen?”

“Our people on the board get sacked.”

“And will be replaced by …”

“On this island? More of us … or clueless people … or nobody.”

“And our people will be refusing their services. Which means …”

“Any which way, the schools suffer.”

“Which affects us how?”

“Not at all. Ah, Reg, if my son would only finally graduate from Yale so I could be done with shelling out for private schools.”

“I hear he got nicknamed ‘Dubya’ in honor of his classroom performance.”

“Don’t rub it in, Reg. Please.”

“Take it as an honor, Syd. It means he’s plenty likely to succeed anyway. That speaks of your prestige.”

“Which will take a hit in this town if the people figure out we’re responsible for the dismissal of a really popular principal.”

“No, Syd, no. Pour yourself a restorative, the Armanac is particularly fine. Now let’s look at this. All these people who are screaming and yelling and jumping up and down in support of keeping this principal – let’s assume they succeed. Where do you think they’ll be when they get handed the bill to keep him, and the programs he needs in order to be successful?”

“Screaming and yelling and jumping up and down because ‘No way are we supporting a tax increase to pay for this’.”

“Exactly. After all, these are the same people who signed off on our clubmate Eyman’s initiative that will prevent Washington from ever raising state taxes again. And those people who are so worried now about ‘influence peddling’. Where were they when the school board members were making their hefty donations to the school district?”

“Calling them ‘model citizens’.”

“They were sure happy to see the money come out of our pockets then, weren’t they? Well, if they don’t like the way we work, they can just do without in future. Our support or our money. We’ll look after our own, thank you very much, and we’re happy to have the children of these ingrates work in our sweatshops at minimum wage, if they somehow get enough education to manage that much. Besides. When the state pulls the ferries, people here will have far more pressing matters to deal with. Most of them will probably flock to the mainland on the last boats, because there won’t be jobs for them in town any more.”

“And that’ll leave these beautiful islands to people who can afford their own transportation here. Our people. Then the place really will be paradise!”

“Indeed. You see, Syd? Nothing to worry about at all. Your iPhone’s beeping.”

“Oh. Just a news feed. The latest about the popular uprising in Egypt.”

“Ah yes. Might mean a spike in oil prices, and windfall profits for you and me. Help me get that 787 I’ve been wanting. You can turn it off now. Nothing like that kind of uprising could ever happen here.”

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